Yeah, I'll just go ahead and start a rap career ...

There are certain things that almost everybody thinks they can do well - fighting, screwing, reading the news, etc. Unfortunately, because this is resoundingly untrue, a lot of people end up getting their asses kicked to kingdom come, spending Saturday nights alone by the phone, and saying things like, "Keep f*cking that chicken," on camera.

Another addition to that list ... rapping. EVERYBODY thinks they can rap, and sure, most people can in the technical sense ... but less than half a percent of the general population can do it in a manner that's worth a damn, and I'm including most of the people who are currently signed to the Young Money label.

Wait, Kristen Stewart actually IS a dirty tramp?

Kristen Stewart is a waste of space. We at "Somebody Thinks You're Fat ..." have always been adamant about that. We've never hesitated to voice our dislike for her, and her "acting", and her face and her attitude. She was a serious contender for a spot on our "12 Hates of Christmas" list, and truth be told, she only missed the cut because there is one of her and an army of Kardashians, so there you go. 

We always knew she sucked as an actress. She's never really had charisma. I don't personally know anybody who thinks she's good-looking ... but I swear, all those times when I called her a dirty tramp, I was just throwing general insults out there. I had no idea it was actually true. 

Anyway, various sources are now reporting that Kristen cheated on longtime boyfriend Robert Pattinson with her married Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders. And even though f%cktard tweens the world over immediately jumped to call conspiracy on it, oh hey, guess what?

LeBron James Took Heed of Our Advice

It's okay, LeBron. Sometimes, the truth hurts ... but it's all about what you do with the information.

LeBron James, world-class basketball player/world-class douchebag, featured prominently in our special holiday feature, "The 12 Hates of Christmas" ... in  fact, despite not being named No. 1, he went straight to No. 1 anyway by netting more traffic than any of our other villains. It just goes to show that, without a doubt, he belonged on our role call for the dispensing of vitriol. 

The 12 Hates of Christmas: No. 4, Old Navy Commercials

Old Navy has long set the bar for bad marketing techniques. Even back in the late 90s, the "cool kitsch" they were going for fell flat ... and straight into asshat territory. Admittedly, my my tolerance for idiocy is not quite where it used to be (In the late 90s, I also wore butterfly clips and plastic jackets, listened to some monumentally bad music and watched TRL every ... single ... day). However, it seems to me that the commercials just keep getting worse and worse. So ...

The 12 Hates of Christmas: No. 8, John Mayer

 The definitive John Mayer picture: Wasted, covered in lipstick, showing off his asinine tattoo

In the English language, the name of John Mayer has become a phrase that is basically synonymous with the word "douche." The journey to this person's place in history as the general poster boy for doucheitude is a long and storied one full of interview gaffes, terrible music, and an endless parade of heartbroken women who have been dumb enough to date this tool.

The 12 Hates of Christmas: No. 10, Joe Jonas

The definitive Joe Jonas picture: Failed attempt at "hipster", failed attempt at facial hair ... 

Ladies and gentleman, today I am here to declare that Joe Jonas (you know, that middle Jonas brother who has the unfortunate affinity for wearing tight white pants) is an annoying little douchebag. Of course, if you've listened to anything that Taylor Swift has said in the past three years, you already know this, but how 'bout a closer look?

The 12 Hates of Christmas: No. 12, The Kardashian/Jenner Family

Here at Somebody Thinks You're Fat ..., we're all about some good, old-fashioned Christmas cheer. But, the problem is stupid people just keep getting in the way. So, to satisfy our dual interests of bringing glad tidings and talking mad sh!t, we're bringing you "The 12 Hates of Christmas," a countdown naming those who are furthest from our hearts ... for the entertainment of those nearest to them (That would be you, dear readers!). So, don't say we never gave you anything. (In fact, stick with us, and you'll get a VERY nice surprise on Christmas day!) But, for now ...