Sunday, December 18, 2011

The 12 Hates of Christmas: No. 6, LeBron James

Lebron thinks he's too sexy for this shirt ... that's why he traded it for one that says "Miami Heat" ... what a douche.

Even if you don't follow professional basketball, you've probably heard about LeBron James. You might have heard someone talking about how talented he is, but in recent years, you've more likely heard of him in the context of someone you know going on an unprovoked, profanity-laced rant about how much they absolutely despise him. Guess what? That person you know isn't crazy. They are 100 percent justified in any hateful rant that is spouted about this douchebag. This guy is an arrogant, self-serving tard who just keeps screwing people over. To quote awesome Web site Deadspin, "Not only is it okay to hate LeBron, but it is a f%cking character flaw on your part if you do not." So ...

Let's begin, shall we?

LeBron James is a "professional" basketball player, and I place the word "professional" in quotation marks because even though he gets paid to play, his behavior is NEVER something that would be even remotely classified as such. James was a scandalous player even before he entered the NBA because his mother, Gloria, was allegedly accepting kickbacks on his behalf. Yeah, it's totally not weird that an 18-year-old who isn't a Hilton received a Hummer H-2 for his birthday.

At any rate, James was selected as the first overall draft pick by the Cleveland Cavaliers in 2003 ... and thus began his odyssey of self-involved promotion. It cannot be argued that James is an accomplished player in the individual sense, as his stats have enabled him to gain multiple accolades including All-Star MVP and league MVP and buckets of endorsement deals. However, during the seven years he played for Cleveland, he never brought home a title. Instead of chalking this up to his own inability to play effectively in the Finals, particularly during the fourth quarter, James came to the conclusion that this was no fault of his.

LeBron, you are doing it wrong. You're supposed to make the "L" shape. 

So, he did what any self-respecting jackass with a moniker like "King James" would do. He held off on making a decision regarding his 2010 free agency, and took self-worship to a whole new level with a one-hour television special called The Decision. During this joke of a broadcast, James announced that he would be "taking his talents" to the Miami Heat, effectively screwing his old team and fans. 

Then, in Miami, James once again choked in crunch time and failed to bring home a championship. Of course, this isn't his fault. It's yours. After all, you have the same personal problems you had today ... or something. I don't know, I didn't really listen to the rest of the condescending crap he spewed in post-game interviews. 

"I saw LeBron James before the game, and I asked him for a dollar. He gave me 75 cents. When I asked him, 'Where's the rest?' he said, 'I don't have a fourth quarter.'"

We hate LeBron James because ...

This is the closest that LeBron will ever
get to actually growing a pair.
1. He has the most overblown sense of entitlement seen this side of Ben Affleck ... yeah, what has that guy ever done that's so great?
2. Obviously, we hate him because he screwed the Cavaliers organization and the city of Cleveland BIG TIME with his incredibly asinine display of deluded self-promotion, otherwise known as The Decision.
3. The media has always hyped him as the second coming of Michael Jordan when it is clear that Kobe Bryant is better (Kevin Durant is also better; Dwayne Wade, too). With his blatant attempt at ring-whoring and his tendency to choke on a fat one in the stretch (especially the 4th quarter), James is the second coming of Karl Malone, at best. Special delivery!
4. He has been with the same woman, Savannah Brinson, for over ten years and has two children with her, but he has yet to put a ring on it. Grow a pair, you piece of sh!t!
5. Despite the fact that he has no championship to his name, nor is he ever able to produce in the finals, the sports media will NEVER shut up about him. What is UP with that?
6. He adamantly refuses to take responsibility for his actions, and is actually baffled that the general public views him as a villain ... despite the fact that he makes fun of other players on camera and constantly talks sh!t about his fans. After all, you have the same personal problems you have today ... or something. WTF, dude?
7. He is only the third male ever to appear on the cover of Vogue, following George Clooney and Richard Gere. Why does this piss me off so much? Because this dude is NO style icon! They're just adding to his ego.
8. Two words: King James 
9. He can't admit that the real reason he left Cleveland and went down south is because his mother went West. Delonte West, that is. Bazing!

Oh, did I go too far with that last one? Whatever. I'm not sorry.

In conclusion ... 

"Why can't LeBron James write his autobiography? Because he simply can't come up with a title." 

Sources:, Deadspin,, and a very special shout-out to

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Jan said...

lol, what a douche...

Meredith said...

Good lord, this guy is an a$$hole! I had a LOT of fun writing this. :)

Anonymous said...

I hate him AND the heat!!!

Anonymous said...

Last picture = CLASSIC

Anonymous said...

GO KOBE!!! Kobe is sooo much better than Lebron! Lebron is fugly!!!

Anonymous said...

Awesome article. The thing that makes me hate LeBron so much is he has so much talent that he didn't need to go whoring for a championship in miami. This guy is a coward and an complete ass. He will never touch Kobe or Jordan. GO KOBE!! LAKERS!!!

Anonymous said...

This guy needs to keep his mouth shut! Seriously! He opens his mouth and pure crap comes shooting out! I never liked him, but I admired his talent in basketball.
Now I loathe him! Go away, Lebron James!