Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Mariah Carey is jumping on a sinking ship ... and I wish I weren't speaking metaphorically.

The similarities are evident ... except one photo was taken after a bottle and a half of Cuervo. 

Fortunately for all who enjoy good music, the time where success on American Idol meant insta-fame is long gone. She show has seen a steady decline in ratings over the years, paired with five consecutive wins for completely forgettable John Mayer clones. Basically, this show was bad to start, but has now become a bona fide disaster. It hit Chernobyl level with the departure of entertaining douche Simon Cowell, but there was still a just a bit of fun to be had with hot mess Steven Tyler and pain-in-the-ass diva Jennifer Lopez. Now, Tyler and Lopez have ditched, so the producers of Idol did the logical thing ... found somebody who is a hot mess AND a pain-in-the-ass diva.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mariah Carey is going to rock this shit.

Now, I never watched American Idol when it was "legit" ... meaning I didn't watch seasons one, two and four, the seasons that produced winners with credible music industry presence. And hey, those guys from season two have been "Invisible" for years ... hahaha ... see what I did there, Clay Aiken? You see that?

Also, you must realize when I say "credible," I'm giving those Idol alumni, with the exception of Carrie Underwood, a certified shit ton of leeway. Describing Kelly Clarkson's catalog as completely generic post-millennial pop is almost too kind, but her music is Abbey Friggin' Road compared to anything the others have put out. Ahem ...

Yeah, you should be sorry, Ruben ... but I'm certain you're not as sorry as we are. 

And that's something from one of the WINNERS! Guess what we've been getting from people who couldn't snag the crown? Oh yeah, feast your eyes on this disaster from fake Eva Mendes ... um, I mean, Antonella Barba. Guys, she's a rapper now ... and she doesn't even need slutty backup dancers. She's got this, yo.

I wonder why Kanye hasn't thrown a hissy fit about AI contestants turning his songs into abortions. 

So, given the state of affairs that the show has found itself in, I think Mariah is going to be exactly what American Idol needs to get back on track ... and by that I mean it's still going down faster than a French hooker on a Saturday night, but with MC, it will be an entertaining disaster. Just like Titanic (the movie, not the actual tragic event ... what do you take me for?).

Behold, the RMS American Idol ... All aboard, Mariah.

It's actually a phenomenal idea when you really think about it. I've said many unkind things about Mariah Carey over the years, but she is a legitimately talented singer. Unlike Jennifer Lopez, there is actually some credibility there. Plus, she has an unlimited capacity for unbridled CRAY. Given what we've seen from Mariah in terms of lunacy - the undeniably creepy appearance on MTV Cribs and the extremely public meltdown on TRL come to mind - paired with the countless examples of full-blown bitchiness we've seen from her, makes her the ultimate Reality TV star. 

Hell, come to think of it, we don't need ANY other judges except Mariah. If she goes on camera with what I can only gather is her REAL personality, she's Simon, Paula, Steven Tyler and J.Lo all rolled into one. Now, all we have to do is get her to punctuate every other declarative sentence with the word "dawg," and we won't need Randy either. 

So, two thumbs up, AI. This is the best thing that's happened to you since Paul McDonald. With Mariah at the helm, you'll back to king of the world status in no time at all. 

Compelling and rich ... 


Jan Smith said...

I am not surprised at all! I'm happy she has a paying job again.. I remember I loved her back in the 5th grade..the new season will be fantastic.. This post reminds me of a long overdue post concerning a former contestant from American Idol that I still need to write.. LoL

Meredith said...

Ha! That's right. You still do need to write that. :)