Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Another Reason to Hate Your Neighbor ...

While driving home from the airport this weekend, I stumbled upon this amazing sight:


YES, my friends, that is an alien spacecraft on top of someone's roof. I originally saw only the one spacecraft while driving past the house. I did not take a photo, but I really wished I had. Later, after speaking with Meredith about my "Close Encounter of the 3rd Kind," she suggested that I write a blog post about my experience.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

An Open Plea to the Public: Enough With the Brad/Jen Crap, Please!

Perhaps you've heard that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston used to be married. You may have also heard that Brad fell in love with Angelina Jolie while the two were filming Mr. and Mrs. Smith in 2004-05. Subsequently, he divorced Jennifer and quietly took up with Angelina, with whom he started a large family as the result of multiple adoptions and three biological children. Oh gosh, did you hear?

Yeah, of course you did. None of the tabloids have been able to shut up about it for the past six years. That's right. SIX years.

Jessica Simpson is Healthy and Looks Great! I Respectfully Disagree.

According to tabloids, Jessica Simpson's doctor is very concerned with her health. Jessica is convinced that since she is pregnant, she can eat an unlimited amount of all her favorite snacks and treats. Read more on Jessica's new eating habits.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Carson Kressley ... Oh, Hell Yes!

Earlier in the month, I admitted my addiction to Dancing With the Stars in the tone of one who realizes that they have a serious problem and need help. Luckily for me (and you), the show is done for the season, which means that you won't have to see any more DWTS-themed posts ... at least until the Spring.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I have a girl crush on Mila Kunis. A big one.

When perusing Jan's fantastic analysis of The Kutch and his ongoing battle with douchebaggery, the photo of him with his That 70s Show co-star Mila Kunis reminded me of something: I friggin' LOVE Mila Kunis.

Christina Aguilera, please fire your stylist.

Christina Aguilera appeared on the American Music Awards over the weekend looking like this abomination:

"I've got a secret for you!"
The dress, the hair, the make-up, seriously?

Sunday, November 20, 2011

When did Ashton Kutcher become a Douchebag!?!?

Ashton Kutcher: The New Face Of Douche.

Let's begin, shall we?

Ashton Kutcher began his career participating in a IMTA (Modeling) competition. He placed second, losing to Josh Duhamel. However, his good looks did not go unnoticed, and NEXT modeling agency of New York quickly snatched up, and signed up, his apricot as$!

Friday, November 18, 2011

We've picked a new husband for Demi Moore!

Here at Somebody Thinks You're Fat ... we were SHOCKED about the Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher divorce, and by that we mean that we're extremely surprised that it didn't happen three years ago. Ashton "The Kutch" Kutcher has been sliding down the slippery slope of douchebaggery for quite some time now, and we all knew it was inevitable that he would eff this up. (For more on Ashton's doucheitude, see Jan's follow-up to this piece, an in-depth analysis titled "When did Ashton Kutcher become a douchebag?")

Do you think Ashton wore this ridiculous hat when he admitted to banging lots of random whores? I know I'd be more inclined to believe that it wasn't possible. Not in that chapeau.

Robert Pattinson: Oral Cesarean? !Spoiler Alert!

With the opening of Breaking Dawn, I figured I would do a post dedicated to the Twilight Saga.

Two years ago, I read all the books in the Twilight series. Yep, every damn one of them. You might be interested to know that the brain power required to read these books is equal or less then the brain power required to watch a Tyler Perry movie. It's science.

Miley Cyrus really understands what we're talking about here

V for Vendetta ...

Everybody talks sh$t about everyone, and that's why ragging on celebrities used to be the most therapeutic form of said expression. Angelina Jolie would never know that you and Sherri from the office think that her last Golden Globes dress was a disaster ... and if she did, she wouldn't care anyway. She's Angelina Jolie. She doesn't work in a boring office.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Blog of Note: Some Ugly Baby.com

While searching the Internet, I stumbled upon this little gift to humanity! Some Ugly Baby

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Hilary Duff: Facial Evolution

I remember when Hilary Duff became famous. I also remember when Lindsay Lohan made fun of her (probably as an offshoot over that whole "No, Aaron Carter is MY man" thing). Man, was Hilary "butt hurt." It seems like every time I see Hilary Duff, her face is different. We explore this phenomenon today.

Exhibit A: Untouched Flesh

Please note the round face and chin, and take a look at those teeth.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Justin Timberlake is patriotic, awesome

Everybody and their mom is lining up to talk about how cool Justin Timberlake is because he made good on his promise to escort Cpl. Kelsey De Santis to the Marine Corps Ball in Richmond, Virginia. We realize we're a little tardy to the party, but that doesn't mean that we at Somebody Thinks You're Fat ... don't believe that Justin deserves the big accolades he's getting. Quite the opposite. We think he deserves MORE!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

The Man, The Legend: Dr. Christian Troy

I never watched Nip Tuck when it was first airing on TV. I just never got into it. However, I recently spent about 3 months watching the entire series. Back-to-back episodes, every night. Naturally, I was addicted. One particular episode, season three, episode 11: Abby Mays, changed my life ... and pretty much captured the essence of Christian Troy more accurately than any other stand alone example.

Immortals: Expert Movie Review by Meredith

This weekend, you get a special double scoop of movie reviews - one for a good movie and one for a bad movie. That's always subjective to you, though. If you like one, I venture to guess you won't like the other. Presenting ...

Saturday, November 12, 2011

ALYCE: Expert Movie Review by Jan


Some of the cast:
Writer/Directer: Jay Lee (Remember Zombie Strippers?)

Friday, November 11, 2011

Adam Levine Seems Like Less of a Tool These Days

Maroon 5 hit the big time when I was in college, and like every other girl on campus, I owned "Songs About Jane" and thought Adam Levine was totally dreamy.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Walmart: Your One-Stop Shop For Groceries and Pelvic Exams.

Viewing: Typical Walmart shopper in it's natural habitat.
"I've got your Super Center right here!"

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Somebody realized my "Fight Club" fantasy brawl

Remember the scene in Fight Club when Brad Pitt and Edward Norton are discussing which celebrity they'd fight if given the chance? Pitt's character, the immortal Tyler Durden, picks Hemingway, and Norton's character responds with what is arguably the greatest line in a film chock full o' great lines:

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Tyler Perry made a deal with the Devil!

I have seen my fair share of Tyler Perry movies. I am ashamed to say it, but, I think I may have seen every Medea movie. How did I manage to sit through all of these movies? Well, I think any person who has ever seen a Tyler Perry film could answer this question. It is because, quite simply, each of his movies is a f$cking train wreck. This man has no concept of "storytelling." Every movie that Tyler Perry has done is absolutely horrific. They all have the same plot: A weak woman who has been victimized searches for a good man to bring her back to her former glory. Meanwhile, a whole bunch of random, crazy drama unfolds in the background.

Nancy Grace is ... um ... hot and sexy. Wait ... what?

Hi. My name is Meredith, and I watch Dancing With the Stars. (Crowd answers with: "Hi, Meredith.") It started about four years ago, when I found myself in a situation where I had no cable television, and ABC was the only channel that would come through on my pre-digital programming antenna.

Monday, November 7, 2011

What in the hell happened to Orlando Bloom?

I'd like to begin today by taking a stroll down memory lane ... all the way back to a magical time known as Christmas 2001. It was a time when a much-hyped movie based on an exceedingly popular fantasy book trilogy was hitting theaters. It was a time when my literature-loving family insisted I accompany them to the theater in the name of togetherness. And, as you may have guessed, it was a time when I wasn't getting any play whatsoever in the dating department. The movie was Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

NEWS FLASH: Alexander Skarsgard is Mentally Retarded

At Somebody Thinks You're Fat, and Everybody Hates You, we firmly believe in one truth. If we ruled the world, Alexander Skarsgard would be cloned. His clones would then be assigned to each and every female on this green earth. Ladies, you would be able to come home and find your very own Skarsgard chained up in your basement, just waiting for your arrival.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Blake Lively thinks geriatric hookers are cool

I am not a fan of Blake Lively.

Hawaii Five-O's Steve McGarrett, is MY HERO!

Steve McGarrett is played by Alex O'Loughlin on the hit reboot of the hit show Hawaii Five-O. Steve is the leader of the namesake squad, a Hawaiian State Police unit that is empowered to act on all seven Hawaiian islands. Suffice it to say, Steve is awesome.

Steve's hard at work, ruining someone's vacation.
"‘Book ‘em, Danno.’

Friday, November 4, 2011

Pot or Kettle? You choose, Kelly Osbourne.

For a brief period of time in 2009, I grew to like Kelly Osbourne. She was on Dancing With the Stars, quickstepping right into the title of America's Sweetheart, and a nice side benefit of getting down with her bad self was the fact that she started getting in pretty swell shape.

After the show ended, Kelly was looking and feeling great. Everywhere she went, she seemed to radiate sunshine as she spoke of how happy she was with her new self. Healthy, happy Kelly was a Kelly that I could possibly "like" on Facebook without too much shame.

In Time: Expert Movie Review by Jan

Some of the cast:
Justin Timberlake as Will Salas
Amanda Seyfried as Sylvia Weis
Cillian Murphy as Raymond Leon
Shyloh Oostwald as Maya

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Everybody hates Kim Kardashian

I'm not going to lie, we at Somebody Thinks You're Fat ... have been longtime Kardashian haters. Really, when you look at it in terms of simple common sense, what's not to hate? Not a single member of this family has any measure of traditional talent (unless you want to argue the merits of brother Rob's dancing skills ... which are quite debatable). Yet, they go home to a Scrooge McDuck-like pile of money to roll around in and throw in the air while the rest of us chant, "Please sir, I want some more," to our shitty economy.

Justin Bieber is MY Baby's Daddy..

Mariah Yeater (20), claims she was impregnated by the Biebs himself (17), following a concert that took place a year ago when she was in fact, 19. Supposedly, it was a bathroom (statutory rape). Giddy up! Nothing like a good, filthy shitter to ignite some teenage passion. Here she is:

Photo of Mariah in the shitter