What in the hell happened to Orlando Bloom?

I'd like to begin today by taking a stroll down memory lane ... all the way back to a magical time known as Christmas 2001. It was a time when a much-hyped movie based on an exceedingly popular fantasy book trilogy was hitting theaters. It was a time when my literature-loving family insisted I accompany them to the theater in the name of togetherness. And, as you may have guessed, it was a time when I wasn't getting any play whatsoever in the dating department. The movie was Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings.

And that movie introduced my dateless ass to a fellow by name of Orlando Bloom. Despite the fact that, as Legolas, he was (at the time) rocking the same long, blond and straight hair that I had, he shot straight to the top of my "Celebrities I Would Totally Eff" list. (And if you say that you don't have such a list, you are a f$cking liar, my friend.)

Holding out for a hero ...

And, thankfully, Mr. Bloom followed up with another role in a different hit movie trilogy with incredibly long segment names. As humble blacksmith Will Turner, he more than held his own (in appearance, not acting) in a side-by-side with Oscar-nominated sexypants Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl.

Will Turner is handy with his sword. Very handy indeed.

Alas, despite having prominent roles in what Judd Apatow once referred to as "two trilogies of hugeness," Orlando started on a downward slope. He was still pulling decent box office as part of LOTR/Pirates, but his other movie returns gradually started sucking ... and he never was exactly a critical darling.

And, on a side note, it also just so happens that shortly after the release of the first installments of both Bloom's trilogy adventures, it was revealed that he was dating the absolutely terrifying and astoundingly horrific Kate Bosworth. Can the slope be attributed to the anorexic scarecrow?

We'll go with: Um, sure. We like that explanation. (But it's probably not true ...)

No man with an acceptable mental capacity would willingly do this.

And, despite his slide-to-free fall into cinematic obscurity, Orlando still didn't have much to fret about because the man still had his looks. Who cares if you're unemployed when you're that damn sexified? I know I sure don't. In fact, after he got over his scarecrow banging phase, his hotness allowed him to move on to Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr and lock that shit down ... thus insuring that it was irrelevant if he ever worked again because his "Angel" would still be pulling in the big bucks. Everything was still going pretty well for our pretty boy.

And then, THIS happened:

Orlando tries out Prince's signature look and fails miserably.

He took a role as the Duke of Buckingham in 2011's laugh-out-loud stupid version of "The Three Musketeers." As the Duke, Orlando enjoyed flying his "hot air balloon-propelled pirate ship" through the skies and even proved himself to be a very "evil" character by strapping a 16-year-old girl to the front of his "frightful" vessel.

"So young, so pretty"-The Duke of Buckingham

While watching this film in a theater, I found myself literally screaming at the atrocity unfolding in front of me during a "battle" between two of said hot air balloon-propelled pirate ships. My 3D glasses fell off my face from the sheer reverberations of anger in my voice (okay, maybe I wasn't that pissed).

Why was I so appalled? The ships were shooting cannons at each other. However, they were not shooting the cannons at the balloons holding each ship up. Obviously, without that apparatus, the ship would surely "sink." But the battle between the flying f$cktard ships continued for 15 minutes. Neither ship "captain" had my grand idea: "Shoot the f%cking balloon!!" (Remember, we told you not to get the minds of this blog started on The Three Musketeers.)

But, I digress (and just in time before the vein in my forehead pops). The real tragedy in all this is that I'd probably be willing to move past this over-the-top display of horribleness if Orlando was still looking fine ... just like I did when I watched "Haven," just like I did when I watched "Elizabethtown." Orlando, if you want to churn out shitty movies, you gotta meet me halfway here.

So, grow out that hair and lose the purple leather, boyfriend. I never thought I'd say this, but good hell, I can't wait for The Hobbit.

He's gotta be larger than life ...

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