Saturday, August 11, 2012

Natalie Portman chose a fug wedding dress - Plus, five celebrity ladies who got it right

On August 4 - a day that I hold in low esteem for personal reasons having nothing to do with the subject at hand, so I don't know why I mentioned it - Natalie Portman, award-winning actress/fashionista/bad-ass rapper, married her Black Swan choreographer/baby daddy Benjamin Millepied. The wedding was kind of a big deal, as Natalie is a huge star and the wedding was unorthodox in the sense that it combined elements of Natalie's Jewish faith, her husband's French heritage and her choice to follow a vegan diet. To this I say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah ... let's see the dress!"

And, man, was I disappointed.

I'm absolutely floored that Natalie, who has time and again knocked it out of the park in stunning designer gowns (predominantly from Rodarte), chose THIS as her wedding look. Tea length? Ill-fitting sheer sleeves? Orthopedic granny flats? A headpiece ripped from the noggin of a Burning Man attendee? I'd expect this kind of crap from Michelle Williams or Vanessa Hudgens (assuming they were getting married) but Natalie? Guys, this made me sad ... sadder than I reasonably should have been.

So, to cheer myself up, I have compiled a list of top five celebrity wedding gowns, according to Somebody Thinks You're Fat ... standards. Observe, and get a hanky if you're one of those people who tear up at the sight of beautiful brides:

No. 5 - Jessica Simpson in Vera Wang

For Jessica Simpson's first wedding, to the VERY handsome and personable Nick Lachey, she chose a lace-covered ball gown with a scalloped sweetheart neckline. According to Jessica, she was a virgin at the time, making her one of the only brides in America who is qualified to wear such an angelic dress. However, since she later (allegedly) cheated on Nick with Adam Levine and half the cast of jackass, I guess she wasn't quite as innocent as her wedding dress would have us believe. Karma certainly is a bitch ... right, Jess?

No. 4 - Carolyn Bessette in Narciso Rodriguez

In 1996, Carolyn Bessette married into an American institution (and I mean that in every sense of the word) when she married the VERY handsome John F. Kennedy Jr. in a gown by her friend Narciso Rodriguez. The gown was notable for its sleek silhouette during a moment in time when wedding gown styles leaned toward the fussy, and Rodriguez officially landed on the map as a designer as a result. Sadly, Carolyn and John both perished in a 1999 plane crash, but we'll always have their iconic wedding photo as a memory of what once was.

No. 3 - Gwen Stefani in John Galliano for Christian Dior

Gwen Stefani is truly an original as far as her sartorial tastes are concerned, so it's only fitting that her wedding dress follow suit. At her 2002 wedding to the VERY handsome Gavin Rossdale, she donned a dip-dyed creation with an asymmetrical neckline, topped by a somewhat traditional veil. I, for one, love to see a bride incorporate some color into her gown, and I don't even mind when the whole damn thing is colored. I'm even scoring Portia Di Rossi an honorable mention in her pale pink Zac Posen:

Portia, who is smashing on "Arrested Development" looks bridal, beautiful and
ballerina-esque. Ellen looks pretty sharp, too.

No. 2 - Rebecca Romijn in Badgley Mischka

Rebecca Romijn donned what I think is one of the most overlooked gowns of all time for her first wedding in 1998 to the VERY handsome John Stamos (seriously, "Uncle Jesse" is still a hottie ... STILL). Her elegant dress featured a square neck, three-quarter lace sleeves and a slightly-A-line skirt. Topped by a crystal-and-pearl tiara and a Chantilly-lace veil, Rebecca looked almost as gorgeous as John on the big day. (Personal note: I love this dress so much that I once bought a prom dress that looks almost just like it, except my dress was purple. Sure, you can borrow it sometime.)

No. 1 - Grace Kelly in Helen Rose

The mother of all celebrity wedding dresses was worn by none other than Grace Kelly. The beautiful actress found herself as the heroine of a real-life fairy tale when she wed Prince Rainier of Monaco, and the gown was a parting gift from her former studio, MGM. Over three dozen seamstresses worked on the elaborate gown over a six-week construction period, but it was worth it, as the gown has spawned countless imitations and homages. High-profile Kelly inspirations have been worn by the likes of Duchess Kate Middleton (you may have heard about her wedding last year) and Nicole Richie. Yeah, guess who got that one right? 

Well done, ladies. Well done. (Except you, Nicole. I'm not talking to you.) Now, as for Natalie, all is not lost. She's still awesome, and she can still turn it out on the red carpet. In the end, I guess that's what matters. Natalie looks gorgeous for us fans all the time. Her wedding is her day, so I suppose her dress can be as fugly as she wants. What-ev ... we forgive you, Nat. Not that she asked, but we do. Yay!

 Now, THIS  is a bit more like it ... Does anyone else think her husband looks like B.J. Novak?

Sources:  OMG! from Yahoo,


Jan Smith said...

I think Natalie stole her dress from the "Wedding Night Virgin" blow up doll. That thing is horrid. I love the other dresses.. I wouldn't mind having Gwen's dress including the Gavin accessory..

Meredith said...

You'll have to send me a pic of said doll. I've never seen it. Ha!
Also, I think all the groom accessories are very nice ... very nice indeed.
But, Gavin is still a dreamboat. As we discussed at the Hard Rock Cafe, they sure don't make 'em like that anymore. Gwen got the last one.