Monday, December 26, 2011

The Writers of "Dexter" Clearly Hate Jennifer Carpenter and Want Her to Kill Herself

"Wait? You want me to say WHAT?!? You have to be (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) kidding me! You (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted)!" 
- Jennifer*, speaking about the dialogue of the season six finale of "Dexter"

Dexter has long been a favorite of ours here at Somebody Thinks You're Fat ... We're huge fans of the show. We're huge fans of Michael C. Hall's torso in that "Kill Shirt" that cheeky serial killer Dexter Morgan wears so well. And, even though she's totally fat and disgusting, we're huge fans of Jennifer Carpenter and her f&cking phenomenal foul-mouthed portrayal of Debra Morgan, Dexter's sister. 

Since we love us some J. Carp, I must say that I found the writing of season six to be monumentally disturbing, and not in the way that we Dexter fans would like. I don't know what she did to whom, but seemingly, our girl pissed off someone on the writing staff in a major way ... and now, that person is using the power of the pen to manipulate her character in a way that is surely effing with Jennifer's personal life.

(Note: If you have not yet viewed season six in its entirety, SPOLIERS ahead, so read no further.) 

Jennifer's snappy dressing would help me forget about my problems, too. 

First, a little personal history: 

Jennifer Carpenter and Michael C. Hall met on the set of Dexter in 2006. Although the two play siblings on the show, their behind-the-scenes chemistry led to a romance and an eventual marriage in 2008. For all intents and purposes, the two seemed to be a good match. When Michael was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma, a form of white blood cell cancer, Jennifer stood by her man. Michael got well, and everything was hunky dory ...  

However, Jennifer filed for divorce in the summer of 2010, citing the celebrity mainstay of "irreconcilable differences." Many speculated the reason that J. Carp decided to cut and run is because Mikey C. was getting a little too connected to his season five love story with Julia Stiles. This was denied all around ... even though Julia was gushing like a big, slutty geyser about Michael during her Golden Globes red carpet interviews and off-set photos of the two co-stars looking really chummy found their way to the Internet (of course). 

Um, Michael. I think you misunderstood. When we said, "F%ck Julia Stiles," we didn't mean that literally. 

Then, there were rumors that Mikey C. had a Lance Armstrong moment, deciding that after he beat his brush with death, he needed to ditch his loving, supportive wife for snazzy new threads, a much-younger piece of sweet potato pie and a ridiculous sports car that practically screams "My penis is inadequate in some way!" These rumors also remain unconfirmed ... especially that thing about the car, given that I made it up just now. I don't know what Mikey C. drives these days. 

But, whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, Jennifer divorced Michael, and that's some bad news. (Eat your heart out, Dr. Seuss!)

So, given all this public messiness regarding the behind-the-scenes drama, you'd think the writers on the show would demonstrate a little compassion.


Wow, this sure is awkward ... 

For some reason, in the wake of the J. Carp/Mikey C. divorce (Yes, I'm going to keep calling them that intermittently, so get over it), the writers decided that this would be a good season to have Debra lean on Dexter even more than ever ... culminating in one of the biggest shockers that the show has ever seen. No, Deb doesn't die in the line of duty. Dexter isn't forced to kill her to protect his secret. Deb's shrink suggests that the good Lieutenant is IN LOVE with Dexter (Reminder: He's her brother) and Deb has a dream where the two share a romantic kiss. 

And, if that wasn't bad enough, in the season finale, Deb not only decides definitively that she is in love with her bro, but she also concludes that she is to act on it almost immediately. Apparently, Lt. Morgan thinks that because she's okay with this, then Dexter will be, too ... as well as everyone they know. The theory: Hey, it's not like they share DNA. He's adopted, so it's all good in the hood. 

I think we can all agree when I say, "What ... the ... F%CK!?!?!?" 

I also think we can all agree that this is a pretty dick move on behalf of the writers (and producers) of Dexter. And, it's an especially dick move given that these characters are SIBLINGS (adopted or no, they grew up in the same house), and forging a romantic relationship between them involves broaching a huge societal taboo. 

Don't be mad at us, Jennifer. We're on YOUR side.

Say what you will about motive, this woman felt that her husband had wronged her so severely that she needed to initiate a divorce. Some sources say they're still friends, some say they're barely speaking. Whichever, Jennifer probably thought, "Well, I still have to work with the @sshole, but at least I'll never have to do any love scenes with him. I play his sister. I'm in the clear." 


Seeing as how the writing staff has gone out of their way to try to make J. Carp miserable, the obvious conclusion is that they hate her and that they are trying to make her blow her brains out. Who knows what season seven will hold? They've gone this far. Maybe we'll get a torrid sex scene in the pounding Miami surf from Dexter and Deb ... and then we'll have to hear about Jennifer's suicide the next day. Is that what you want, you jerks? 

In conclusion, the show's writers and producers are sadistic bastards. If they really hate her that much, they can just kill her character off. Not to get all Britney-fan weird or anything, but LEAVE JENNIFER ALONE!

*Probably not what Jennifer actually said.

Sources: International Business Times,

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Jan said...

Poor Jennifer Carpenter.. I bet she is going to go on a donut binge for the next 4 months..

Meredith said...

I didn't think of it that way, but I think you're right. Maybe that's what the producers are trying for. They WANT her to go on a donut binge so they can fatten her up.
It's all clear to me now ...

Anonymous said...

so messed up..

Anonymous said...

SO DISGUSTING!!! I love the whole Dexter cast and can't believe the writers threw this gross plot in. They really can't think of anything better? I will not watch next season if they continue this stupid "love" twist.