Saturday, December 3, 2011

A Brief(less) History of the Celebrity Sex Tape Scandal (Possibly NSFW)

As a preface, I'd like to point out that this post is probably not okay for you to read at work. There are no explicit details or images, but your boss probably won't appreciate you exploring your interest in this subject while you're on the clock. So, as a label: NSFW, people! Without further ado ...

Everyone knows that there's money in porn. That's a fact that has been spouted countless times. However, what happens if you already have money and you make your own porn? What I'm talking about, of course, is the concept of the celebrity sex tape ... that lovely "make-it-or-break-it" tabloid bait that more and more stars seem to be casting.

You see, there are countless examples of rich, famous people who have been caught engaging in the wild thing on camera. For your enjoyment, a brief (less) history of the celebrity sex tape scandal:

August 2010: Internationally reviled asshat Spencer Pratt starts shopping a sex tape that is said to feature his wife Heidi Montag and Playboy Playmate Karissa Shannon. As expected, nobody cared about the announcement, as nobody likes any of these idiots. Truth be told, I fell asleep halfway through writing this snippet.

May 2010: In the least surprising announcement ever, it is revealed that ex-Playmate Kendra Wilkinson is the star of Vivid entertainment's latest celebrity sex tape release. Although the existence of the tape was no shocker, two things were startling about this: 1) Kendra was a teenager when this thing was filmed, and 2) It allegedly featured her getting down on a blanket that had a huge likeness of a panther on it. I think we can all agree when I say, "Um ... what?"

Kendra pretended that she was "devastated" by the extra publicity.

August 2009: Grey's Anatomy star Eric Dane is featured in a saucy tape with his wife, Rebecca Gayheart, and a former beauty pageant contestant, Kari Anne Peniche. There are no sexual acts featured on the tape, but the "nude tape" of the three still did damage to Dane's reputation. As for Gayheart, she was probably just thrilled for the opportunity to be on camera again.

October 2007: White Stripes drummer Meg White, pops up all over the internet in a video featuring her engaging in America's REAL favorite pastime – the hibbity dibbity. The most interesting part about her video: She used Shaggy's ol' "It Wasn't Me" denial tactic. This was probably a good move since most who saw the tape said she looked "totally gross" in it.

Meg gives "Icky Thump" a whole new meaning.

July 2007: Former pop singer Nick Lachey and former no-talent VJ Vanessa Minillo are photographed (and allegedly taped) having the kind of sex that would make a porn star blush during a hot tub romp in Mexico. In the fallout from the incident, Lachey publicly wondered why a guy can't plow his girlfriend in a hotel hot tub without people getting all up in arms about it. Gee, Nick, did you ever stop to think that it's because you're FAMOUS (sorta) and most of the few fans you have left are impressionable teen girls?

February 2007: R&B singer Ray J (who is probably best known for being the brother of has-been R&B singer Brandy … sad) is featured in a graphic sex tape with all-purpose slutbag Kim Kardashian. These two become living proof that the American public is always interested to see celebrities, even sub-D-listers, ride the pony on camera. This marks the beginning of the end of civilization as we know it, as it makes way for the rise of the KarTRASHian empire. Damn you, Ray J. Damn you!

November 2006: A sex tape starring former Saved By the Bell star Dustin Diamond surfaces. The tape, titled Screeched, features none other than Screech himself engaging in various sex acts with two women and a friend of his. Geeks the world over rejoice, knowing that if that ugly f$cktard can get laid – on film, no less – then ANYONE can.

Oh, dear God ... I wish it wasn't true.

July 2005: Irish douchebag Colin Farrell files a lawsuit against his former girlfriend Nicole Narain after a 14-minute sex tape of the two surfaces. Apparently, Farrell wanted to force his fans to watch the box office-challenged At Home at the End of the World in order to get a glimpse of his incredibly small willy.

Late 2003: Waste-of-space heiress Paris Hilton adds yet another entertainment prefix to her name – porn star – upon the release of a sex tape that was made with her ex-boyfriend Rick Salomon. Hilton claimed she was "embarrassed" and "publicly humiliated" by the tape, which was later distributed under the name One Night in Paris. To this day, the tape is the only example of where Hilton's true talents lie.

Funny ... this was my exact reaction when someone told me that Paris Hilton had a sex tape.

1995: In what is arguably the most famous celebrity sex tape incident ever, a video of Pam and Tommy Lee doing the no-pants dance while on vacation finds its way into distribution. The tape actually amplifies the careers of both, and the pair – despite being white trash to the nth degree and having not half a brain between them – become the undisputed envy of flat-chested ladies and small-penised men everywhere.

1988: Rob Lowe becomes a celebrity sex tape pioneer after footage surfaces that features him getting busy with two girls while he was attending the Democratic National Convention in Atlanta. The tape was a huge black eye on Lowe's image, and he later entered rehab for sex addiction. Rob Lowe, huh? Nice! Is there some kind of sign-up sheet for that?

Rob's charm and boyish good looks come in handy when he's asking girls to sleep with him ... on camera.

Ah, you silly, silly geese … Why don't these celebrities ever, EVER learn? Everyone should know this rule of thumb by now: If you're even SLIGHTLY famous (see Ray J), and you film yourself getting down … It WILL be seen. It WILL be downloaded. It WILL be mocked. Need proof? Go no further than Google.

See? It could be one of Newton's laws of motion. Make a name for yourself, make a sex tape, make the tabloids … and the world just keeps on turnin' …

Sources: TMZ, E!, What Would Tyler Durden Do, Google News

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Anonymous said...

What a bunch of losers.

Anonymous said...

Gross!!! Who would do screech?

Beth S. said...

Meg White actually got somebody to have sex with her? I'm somewhat impressed.

Anonymous said...

The thing I am most impressed about is not the "celebrities?' getting down and benefitting from it. I just am happy to read the tern"no-pants dance." This could feature well in many a limerick if I'm not mistaken!

Anonymous said...

Time for Kim to make another sex tape! Her career needs a boost.