Brandon Routh: Tall, Dark and Totally Unappreciated by Hollywood
A short while ago, I made the argument that in Hollywood, looks often win out over talent, despite the protests of Jessica Biel. (Again, shut the F*CK up, Jessica! You're not "too beautiful" to get roles. You don't get roles because your acting sucks a fat one and you have NO female fans because you won't ever shut your stupid fish-lipped mouth! But, I digress ...)
What is truly baffling, though, is when an actor has both looks and talent and STILL slips through the cracks. We explored this problem when I lamented the lack of work for the lovely and talented Miss Emmy Rossum. Well, I'm bitching again, but this time, I'm lashing out on behalf of the lovely and talented Mr. Brandon Routh.
Okay, it can be argued that his body of work isn't extensive enough to warrant arguments about his talent. He only has 13 acting credits to his name, and to tell you the truth, I've only had a look at three of said performances. We'll revisit those in a minute ... temporarily suspending the "talent" portion of the evening and getting straight to the swimsuit competition.
Sorry, folks. Brandon forgot his swimsuit. Looks like we'll all have to make do with this towel.
Girl, look at that body! Hey, as a matter of fact, look at that face. No matter who you are, no matter your gender or your sexual preference ... you just CAN'T tell me that this guy isn't a stone cold fox. This alone should be enough to guarantee his success. Let's all be honest, folks. There are plenty of dudes out there who can barely read lines off a teleprompter, but they're still locking down movie work because the camera loves 'em (*cough* Channing Tatum *cough, cough* Ashton Kutcher *cough*).
And, now, I invite you to consider the immortal question, "Who'd you rather?"
Hint: There actually IS an incorrect answer on this one.
Now, we all agree that Brandon is smokin' hot. Right? Glad we got that out of the way. So, let's talk film, shall we? Why is this man unable to land any decent work? I suppose the easy answer would have something to do with the fact that Superman Returns, his biggest starring vehicle, was considered to be a disappointment on several levels. It grossed $200 million dollars, which would be nothing to sniff at, except that the film cost nearly that much to make. It received positive reception from critics, but audiences left the movie feeling kinda pissed off ... seeing as how a hero who has pretty much every superpower one can think of got his ass kicked from here to kingdom come by a middle-aged human.
But, if this failure is the thing that's dragging Brandon under like a Kryptonite mermaid - and I suspect that it is - then it's pretty unfair. Superman Returns had a shitty script and failed to deliver on promises of both action and adventure. Neither of these things are Brandon's fault. If anybody is to blame, it's director Bryan Singer ... who pretty much admitted that he effed it all up.
Actually, scratch that. Superman Returns failed because Kate Bosworth was in it. Period.
Are you seriously telling me that there were no attractive brunette actresses available at the time?
Since the Superman fiasco, I've only seen Brandon in two movies: Zack and Miri Make a Porno and Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. He was fantastically charming in the former, and sexy and sinister in the latter. Ain't nothin' wrong with any of that. So, why can't we see more of it? I say, we DEMAND more Brandon Routh in our future. If nothing else, maybe it will keep some of the work away from the Kutch, and that's always a positive thing ... for Ashton, too. It will give him more time to bang random whores. High five!