It's okay, LeBron. Sometimes, the truth hurts ... but it's all about what you do with the information.
LeBron James, world-class basketball player/world-class douchebag, featured prominently in our special holiday feature, "The 12 Hates of Christmas" ... in fact, despite not being named No. 1, he went straight to No. 1 anyway by netting more traffic than any of our other villains. It just goes to show that, without a doubt, he belonged on our role call for the dispensing of vitriol.
Well, apparently, LeBron was humbled by our call out of his bad behavior, because he did, in fact, put a ring on it. People magazine reports the following:
"4. He has been with the same woman, Savannah Brinson, for over ten years and has two children with her, but he has yet to put a ring on it. Grow a pair, you piece of sh!t!"
"At a New Year's Eve dinner and party at the Shelborne hotel in South Beach, (James), 27, proposed to his longtime girlfriend Savannah Brinson. And he got their kids in on the action as well.
Right after popping the question, James picked up the couple's sons LeBron Jr., 7, and Bryce, 4, and swung them around on the floor. "It was so sweet to watch," a rep for Remy Martin V, who hosted the dinner, tells PEOPLE. "Everyone is extremely happy."
Savannah will be wearing white again after all, thanks to us.
Seeing as how few people have felt the need to hate on LeBron for making Savannah a "Waity Katie" for all these years, there's really only one logical conclusion: Word of our disgust got to him. He was totally butt-hurt by what we said, and now, he's out to make a change. Wow, I suppose this means we're very important these days. This is excellent news for everyone! Big smiley face!
You see, LeBron? It's not too late to pull yourself back from a life of doucheitude ... even for the "Turbo Douche" variety such as yourself. We can help you. If you start working on the eight other bullet points we laid out in that list, well, you'll be right as rain in no time.
Yeah, there's no need to thank us, Savannah. It's all in a day's work for us here at Somebody Thinks You're Fat ...
P.S. LeBron, as long as you're taking my advice, here's something else: Please use your status to make this go away.
Um ... this is a BASKETBALL team's introduction, right? Why, exactly, are the booty girls there?