Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Wait, Kristen Stewart actually IS a dirty tramp?

Kristen Stewart is a waste of space. We at "Somebody Thinks You're Fat ..." have always been adamant about that. We've never hesitated to voice our dislike for her, and her "acting", and her face and her attitude. She was a serious contender for a spot on our "12 Hates of Christmas" list, and truth be told, she only missed the cut because there is one of her and an army of Kardashians, so there you go. 

We always knew she sucked as an actress. She's never really had charisma. I don't personally know anybody who thinks she's good-looking ... but I swear, all those times when I called her a dirty tramp, I was just throwing general insults out there. I had no idea it was actually true. 

Anyway, various sources are now reporting that Kristen cheated on longtime boyfriend Robert Pattinson with her married Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders. And even though f%cktard tweens the world over immediately jumped to call conspiracy on it, oh hey, guess what?

"I'm deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I've caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry,"  - Kristen Stewart, addressing the cheating scandal via a statement reported by

Remember this gem of an image? It's Kristen f*cking Stewart ... the fairest one of all.

Yeah, people don't generally issue public apologies for things that they didn't do. Sorry, Twi-hards, looks like your precious "Bella" was, in fact, baking up a huge batch of slut brownies by making out with a married, 41-year-old man. But, don't worry, I'm not letting the scumbag director off the hook. He is totally at fault, too, and also issued a public mea culpa about how much he loves his family and how he hopes they can get through this and other things that despicable cheaters say.

Whatever. They're not sorry they did it. They're just sorry that they got caught personifying the oldest cliche in the book. Starlet of questionable talent bangs much-older director - yeah, that's one we've never heard before. Usually, it happens BEFORE the role is given out, though, not after ... which makes me wonder just how long this monkey business has been going on.

However, we're forgetting about one very important thing. What of dear Rob? Oh I know, we've done a lot of clowning on the guy. That whole "I'm allergic to vagina" thing kinda opened him up for it, but damn you, Kristen Stewart. Because of you, I'm saying something I straight up NEVER thought I'd say: TEAM PATTINSON!

Rob probably looks a lot more annoyed than this right about now.

Look, Rob seems like an okay dude. His acting is actually showing some promise these days, and he's pretty gracious about the fact that crazy 13-year-olds and their moms try to hump him down the street everywhere he goes. Now, all we have to do is get him to shower a bit more consistently and he's golden. You suck, Kristen. Questionable hygiene practices or not, you're the one who's dating the guy. If you don't want his ass, break up with him. It's that simple.

Plus, your hygiene practices aren't exactly what I'd call stellar, either. Dirty tramp ... it's so true.

I hope Rob dumps her ... publicly ... on the six o' clock news ... in front of the entire Western Hemisphere. He probably won't, but hey, that's my version of a "Robsten" fantasty ending.



Jan Smith said...

Holy shit! I did not hear about this! Wow, as if Robert wasn't already out of her league to begin with...I was wondering why the hell she was cast in that I know.. I hope she loses all of he Twilight fans...

Meredith said...

I really couldn't stop laughing when I heard about this. I feel bad for Rob, but Kristen getting caught red-handed really is too funny.