Sunday, August 26, 2012

I got punched in the face with Rock 'n' Roll, via "The Voice" ... and I liked it.

If there is one thing that Jan and I believe wholeheartedly in, it's the power of karaoke. Drunkenly singing in bars and at parties is what makes the world go 'round. In fact, I firmly believe that we'd live in a much more peaceful world if leaders would get together, have a few beers, pick up a microphone, and perform a rousing duet of "We Built This City" before they make any firm decisions.

Now, you'd think that we'd be more than enamored of all the karaoke-based singing competitions that are on television, right? Well, my logical friend, you'd be dead wrong. Oh sure, we have our fun with American Idol ... but the entertainment value of it depends entirely of the train wreck factor it presents (Mariah, we're looking at you to carry that torch, and hopefully burn the motherf*cker down with it. Yeah!). So, color me shocked as hell that through the awesome power of OnDemand television, I got addicted to back episodes of The Voice, season two in particular.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Yeah, I'll just go ahead and start a rap career ...

There are certain things that almost everybody thinks they can do well - fighting, screwing, reading the news, etc. Unfortunately, because this is resoundingly untrue, a lot of people end up getting their asses kicked to kingdom come, spending Saturday nights alone by the phone, and saying things like, "Keep f*cking that chicken," on camera.

Another addition to that list ... rapping. EVERYBODY thinks they can rap, and sure, most people can in the technical sense ... but less than half a percent of the general population can do it in a manner that's worth a damn, and I'm including most of the people who are currently signed to the Young Money label.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Natalie Portman chose a fug wedding dress - Plus, five celebrity ladies who got it right

On August 4 - a day that I hold in low esteem for personal reasons having nothing to do with the subject at hand, so I don't know why I mentioned it - Natalie Portman, award-winning actress/fashionista/bad-ass rapper, married her Black Swan choreographer/baby daddy Benjamin Millepied. The wedding was kind of a big deal, as Natalie is a huge star and the wedding was unorthodox in the sense that it combined elements of Natalie's Jewish faith, her husband's French heritage and her choice to follow a vegan diet. To this I say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah ... let's see the dress!"

And, man, was I disappointed.

Friday, August 3, 2012

The Olympics would be better without Hope Solo ... and her asshat comments

Recently, a poll stated that approximately 42 percent of Americans "couldn't care less about the Olympics." This stat is sorely disappointing to me, because I sure do love me some Olympics. It's the one magical time every four years when I sit down in front of the television to watch sports for five hours at a time. Seriously, I LOVE watching the Olympics, and of course, Team U.S.A. is where it's at. I'm even willing to overlook the general douchebaggery of LeBron James to root for him when he's representing the good ol' U.S. and A. And, we all know how Jan and I feel about LeBron James. 

Monday, July 30, 2012

Terrific Scenes From Terrible Movies: "The Proposal" in The Village

So I don't know what I like most about this scene. It's either Joaquin Phoenix's facial expression, or the stupid chick's dialogue. All I know is that I laughed my @ss off earlier when I saw this movie on TV today.

Note: Terrific scene(s) starts at 1:35 and ends at about 4:00 

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Paul McDonald Hates His Fans ...

Meredith and I were, and still are, HUGE fans of Paul McDonald. That smile, those moves ... How can you resist his charm? Unfortunately for Paul, his success seemed to be short-lived. Honestly, who listens to his music anyway? Well, this brings to my point ... That point being that Paul McDonald hates his fans ...


Let me explain. Once upon a time, Meredith and I worked at a wondrous place where we often shared photos and videos of our beloved Paul McDonald. Then, one day, while viewing his Web site, we came across an excellent "fan shirt" that was being sold. Credit cards in hand, we went about completing the necessary steps to purchase our very own shirts in honor of Paul. Sadly, we found that there were only size larges in stock. Being that neither Meredith or I are morbidly obese, you could imagine our disappointment.

This is the fabulous shirt! Please note that the shirt is an exact replica of the jacket Paul wore on American Idol (but not really).

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Wait, Kristen Stewart actually IS a dirty tramp?

Kristen Stewart is a waste of space. We at "Somebody Thinks You're Fat ..." have always been adamant about that. We've never hesitated to voice our dislike for her, and her "acting", and her face and her attitude. She was a serious contender for a spot on our "12 Hates of Christmas" list, and truth be told, she only missed the cut because there is one of her and an army of Kardashians, so there you go. 

We always knew she sucked as an actress. She's never really had charisma. I don't personally know anybody who thinks she's good-looking ... but I swear, all those times when I called her a dirty tramp, I was just throwing general insults out there. I had no idea it was actually true. 

Anyway, various sources are now reporting that Kristen cheated on longtime boyfriend Robert Pattinson with her married Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders. And even though f%cktard tweens the world over immediately jumped to call conspiracy on it, oh hey, guess what?

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Mariah Carey is jumping on a sinking ship ... and I wish I weren't speaking metaphorically.

The similarities are evident ... except one photo was taken after a bottle and a half of Cuervo. 

Fortunately for all who enjoy good music, the time where success on American Idol meant insta-fame is long gone. She show has seen a steady decline in ratings over the years, paired with five consecutive wins for completely forgettable John Mayer clones. Basically, this show was bad to start, but has now become a bona fide disaster. It hit Chernobyl level with the departure of entertaining douche Simon Cowell, but there was still a just a bit of fun to be had with hot mess Steven Tyler and pain-in-the-ass diva Jennifer Lopez. Now, Tyler and Lopez have ditched, so the producers of Idol did the logical thing ... found somebody who is a hot mess AND a pain-in-the-ass diva.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mariah Carey is going to rock this shit.

I Am Not Dead read that correctly! I am in fact not dead... I have simply been in "newborn land" for the last two months.. I miss this blog very much! I look forward to posting consistently again! I appreciate all of the readers who have stuck by us. Meredith and I will be in blogging form soon!!

This is the most repeated question in my household...

Friday, June 22, 2012

LeBron James gets a ring, and I get the finger. Awesome. Just freaking awesome.

Ladies and Gentlemen, as you now know, the Miami Heat did, in fact, triumph in the NBA Finals over the general excellence of Kevin “The Durantula” Durant and the rest of the Oklahoma City Thunder. You most likely heard about it from some stupid-ass loudmouth in your office/high school/jail cell/etc. coming in this morning and screaming, “Boomshakalaka!!! Go Heat! LEBRON!!!” … or words to that effect. And, as you may have guessed, yes, I did have some sort of arrangement riding on this, and yes, I lost … miserably … epically … begrudgingly. Gee, thanks OKC. Thanks a lot. Thanks a whole effing lot. So, as my payment of said bet, without further ado …