LeBron James gets a ring, and I get the finger. Awesome. Just freaking awesome.

Ladies and Gentlemen, as you now know, the Miami Heat did, in fact, triumph in the NBA Finals over the general excellence of Kevin “The Durantula” Durant and the rest of the Oklahoma City Thunder. You most likely heard about it from some stupid-ass loudmouth in your office/high school/jail cell/etc. coming in this morning and screaming, “Boomshakalaka!!! Go Heat! LEBRON!!!” … or words to that effect. And, as you may have guessed, yes, I did have some sort of arrangement riding on this, and yes, I lost … miserably … epically … begrudgingly. Gee, thanks OKC. Thanks a lot. Thanks a whole effing lot. So, as my payment of said bet, without further ado …

LeBron James is a God amongst men. He is so amazingly great that I can hardly contain myself. It doesn’t even matter that he’s spent the last eight years unable to cough up so much as two dimes and a nickel in lieu of a fourth quarter. He’s so wonderful that he doesn’t need to play the last 3:01 of the game. It was just that far in the bag, so hooray for LeBron James, his triple-double, his MVP win and his championship ring.

Now that I think about it, it’s a good thing he ditched out on Cleveland, especially in a way that would administer a swift kick in the crotch to the whole city.  If he hadn’t done so, his sweet, sweet South Beach-flavored victory wouldn’t taste nearly as good without all that bitterness to slice through first. Who am I to argue with a king? I’m just a lowly commoner. Again, hooray for LeBron James. 

"Hey guys! Look how great I am at making decisions!"   

I’m sure you can remember a time when people used to criticize LeBron for coming up short on the big stage. Well, after those first three miserable, embarrassing failures, he now has the title that he wanted so badly that he was willing to flush what was left of his reputation to chase it. Personally, I’m happy for him. But still, more credit should be bestowed upon James, not only because he deserves it, but in spite of the fact that he is completely unlikable on paper, he has managed to cultivate legions of fans and captivate the public for the entire nine years that it took him to get to this moment. He’s great stuff, compelling and rich. So, one more time, hooray for LeBron James. Woo.

Apparently, there are some guys not named LeBron James who play on the team.

However, I seem to be leaving a few people out of the party. Let us not forget about Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and the rest of the guys that somebody called up from the D-league to fill out the rest of the Miami Heat roster. These gentlemen are the very epitome of stellar. Together, they are a force to be reckoned with, a hurricane of dominance, the best team in the NBA. Period. After all, they have a gold trophy that says so. You simply can’t argue with that.

I know I can’t.  That’s why I’m here, to give them all the mad, stupid, bomb-shit props that they rightfully earned.

So, hats off to the Miami Heat and their trophy. This is going to out Christian M. and Kevin B. - I’m standing, I’m corrected, I’m humbled. I leave you with the words of the great one himself ...

“OMFG I think it just hit me, I’m a CHAMPION!! I AM a CHAMPION!!”

Yep ... Compelling and rich ...