Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Blog of Note: The Jared Leto Hair Club.. for men ..and women

At Somebody Thinks You're Fat, and Everybody Hates You, we are MORE than aware that our readers LOVE Jared Leto. I happened to stumble upon this Tumblr page called The Jared Leto Hair Club. Like many of the other random sites I find online these days, I could not figure out how to contact the creator. All I know is that this site is one of the first pages to pop up when I search the name "Jared Leto." ( I was just seeing where we stand, I swear ...)

Monday, January 30, 2012

"Hoarding: Buried Alive," Makes Me a Better Person..

There are not many shows on television that really turn my stomach these days. However, one show in particular really "irks" me down to my core. It is called Hoarding: Buried Alive. This show is shocking in every way possible. The people featured hoard dirty diapers (their own), collectibles, books, Rubbermaid containers, clothing ... just anything under the sun. In my opinion, the most disturbing hoarding trend featured on this show is the hoarding of animals. I cannot even watch these animal hoarding episodes in fear that I will hunt down the said hoarder and do something highly illegal to their property or person.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

The Grey: Expert Movie Review By Jan

Once again, Liam Nesson proves to us all that he is a Bad @ss Mother F&cker!

I want to start by saying that I loved this movie. It seems like most critics, surprisingly, agree with me. However, viewers are rating this film around 50 percent. Why is it getting rated around 50 percent? I am willing to bet, that if your "best movies of all time list" includes TransformersIndiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull, or any of the Saw movies, you will not like this film. I would even go as far as saying that you will certainly hate this film, especially the ending. The Grey urges contemplation of man as the human animal, one suddenly cast into the wilderness where real beasts live and survive. And I will tell you one thing, this movie proves that man is definitely not always on top of the food chain.

Brandon Routh: Tall, Dark and Totally Unappreciated by Hollywood

A short while ago, I made the argument that in Hollywood, looks often win out over talent, despite the protests of Jessica Biel. (Again, shut the F*CK up, Jessica! You're not "too beautiful" to get roles. You don't get roles because your acting sucks a fat one and you have NO female fans because you won't ever shut your stupid fish-lipped mouth! But, I digress ...) 

What is truly baffling, though, is when an actor has both looks and talent and STILL slips through the cracks. We explored this problem when I lamented the lack of work for the lovely and talented Miss Emmy Rossum. Well, I'm bitching again, but this time, I'm lashing out on behalf of the lovely and talented Mr. Brandon Routh. 

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Rihanna Gets a Stupid, Ugly, 'Thug Life' Tattoo...

Even close up, one cannot distinguish this tattoo from plain nasty "ashy hands syndrome" ... or a certain bodily fluid Rihanna is used to getting on her hands. Please note, I do not like Rihanna ...

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall ... Who's the Best Pop Tart of Them All?

Back in 1999, a young chickadee from Louisiana busted into the music scene with a bang. Namely, she filmed a music video where she performed innocent, yet seductive, dance moves while dressed up in a schoolgirl uniform. The song became an instant smash, fueled by the success of the video (and impression that the costume choices made on teen boys and pedophiles alike). 

The song was "... Baby One More Time". The artist was one Ms. Britney Spears. And, after viewing said video, an adult acquaintance of mine said, "I'll bet that's the last we'll ever see of that one." 

Monday, January 23, 2012

The Iron Lady, more like Dementia and Deterioration !Epic Fail Ahead!

Did I mention I hate her face?

Today, I made the mistake of going to my local theater and seeing The Iron Lady. Even though I am not a huge Meryl Streep fan, I do enjoy movies about politics. I loved Lions For Lambs, while a majority of my friends wanted to leave 20 minutes into the film. In this case, I was highly disappointed with The Iron Lady, but surprised by Meryl Streep's performance. Dare I say ... she was not quite as annoying as usual. I was also very impressed with the basically unknown Alexandra Roach, who played a very convincing young Margaret Thatcher.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Big Rich Texas: More Like Big Rich WTF IS THIS?

Big Rich Texas is a reality television show on the Style Network that premiered on July 17, 2011. The show is filmed in the Dallas/Fort Worth area of Texas. The show follows five wealthy Texas women and their daughters during a summer at an exclusive country club and documents all the drama that brews between southern belles.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Vertically Challenged Hollywood Hotties!

Celebrities often appear much taller on the big screen than they are in real life. I would like to take this time today to point out a few surprisingly, and sometimes disappointingly, short Hollywood stars.

Robert Downey Jr. : 5'7"

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Mark Wahlberg Is a Total Badass ... or Is That Total Jackass?

It pains me to say bad things about Mark Wahlberg because, 1) He is hot. 2) I enjoy his acting, most notably in The Departed. And 3) He is hot. However, I think most everyone who has an Internet connection will agree with me when I say that I was absolutely floored when I read what he had to say about 9/11 to Men's Journal ... and not floored in the way that I am when he removes his shirt. We're talking about the bad kind of surprise here. 

Basically, Mark said that, unlike everyone else who was aboard the doomed planes, he is a man of action ... and you know it, bitch! If he were there, he would have kicked some major terrorist ass, Air Force One-style. Then, he would have ripped off his blood-stained shirt, blown a kiss to the pretty ladies on board, thrown back a bourbon and said, "It's quite alright, everyone. I'm gonna land this motherf$cker, now, because I'm the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy." 

Okay, maybe I exaggerated just a bit, but here's what he actually said:

Monday, January 16, 2012

I Heard the Owl Call My Name ... from Nicole Kidman's Dress

We've now hit that special time of the year when Hollywood gathers together in a (seemingly) never-ending series of self-worship orgies, otherwise known as awards shows. Honestly, I really don't give a rat's ass about the majority of the awards. The thing I love about the obnoxiously large volume of awards ceremonies is the corresponding volume of couture gowns on display ... and the avalanche of catty comments that go with the display of said couture gowns.

Oh, believe me, it's not all bad. At last night's Golden Globes, Reese Witherspoon was a knockout in her sexy "Jessica Rabbit" number. Charlize Theron once again proved that she looks great in just about anything, and Angelina Jolie left her funeral gear at home and wore something that was actually pretty fabulous. See them all, plus more, here

But, that's enough of the nice stuff. Can we talk about Nicole Kidman and her fancy totem pole of a gown, please? 

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Emmy Rossum = Freakin' Awesome!

It's really not a secret that in Hollywood, looks often win out over talent ... despite Jessica Biel's claims that she's "too beautiful" to get good roles (Let's all say it together, "Oh, shut the eff up already!"). This is particularly true with actresses in their 20s. How else would one explain why Jessica Alba, Megan Fox and Scarlett Johansson, among a SLEW of others, are able to stay consistently employed? It's certainly not because they're creating magic on-screen with their grasp of the arts, I can tell you that. 

So, with that in mind, we have to wonder why all these no-talent Barbie dolls are consistently snagging roles when we have beautiful women who actually possess talent out there. Yes, we have Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis and Rachel Squared (Weisz and McAdams), but they can't cover all the roles. So, how about another? Ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration ... Miss Emmy Rossum. 

Friday, January 13, 2012

Jared Leto's Transformation, or the Long Road Which Leads to the Mullet

This is one of Jared Leto's modeling photos from his high school days. What a demure lady he was.

Since the reaction to our last post about Jared Leto received such excellent feedback, I thought I would continue to entertain Meredith's idea by doing a post based on Jared Leto's physical transformation throughout the years. However, keeping with the fashion of my "bipolar" writing technique, I could not help but recognize someone else's face in the slew of Jared Leto's earlier photos. That person is Amanda Peet.

Hostess Seeks Bankruptcy Protection!

The devastation! How can America lose their Hostess Cup Cakes and Twinkies? Maybe the Mayans are right in their assumption that the world is ending very soon.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Woody Harrelson is a weirdo, but that's ok..

"No, no. He's a teetotaler. He's been in AA for a while, I don't have that kind of courage, nor am I a quitter."- Woody Harrelson outing New York Times reporter David Carr on "Jimmy Kimmel Live."

Our Official Endorsement: Phil Davison for President

Rock you like a hurricane ...

Since you're on the Internet right now, I think it's a safe bet to assume that you are not currently living under a rock. And, since you're not currently living under a rock, that means that you're probably aware of the fact that the Republican party is currently in full primary swing right now. You may or may not care, but you probably at least know about it. 

But, what you might not know is that the best man for the job, the bellowing beast of politics, the person who would rock this election like a big, screaming hurricane, isn't actually on the ticket. I don't care if you vote Republican, Democrat, Independent, Green, Whig or nothing at all ... we can all unite on one key point ...

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Blog Of Note: Skinny Gossip.com

Come one, come all and celebrate your lack of eating!

This is a photo I am sure SkinnyGossip.com would endorse!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Proof the Mayan Calendar is Wrong: The World is NOT ending on December 23, 2012

Marty McFly [Back to the Future II] Hoverboard

The world is not ending in 2012 because
Marty McFly visited the year 2015 in "Back to The Future II."

This is a common school of thought amongst children of the '80s. As a child of the '80s, I NEVER question Marty McFly. In fact, over 2,291 people agree, according to this Facebook group. Similar to the Mayan Calendar, Back to The Future has been correct in many of its predictions.

Christian Bale vs. Kristen Bell: A career comparison

Back in October 2009, a funny thing happened. Kristen Bell was on the cover of Lucky Magazine. A copy of said magazine sat in the lobby of the clinic where Jan and I used to work. And, one day, a mutual friend of ours (who also was a clinic employee at the time) picked up the magazine, took a look at the cover and said, "God, I think Kristen Bell is SO overrated!"

To which one of our male co-workers replied, "You think so? Really? ... Huh. (Shaking head) I loved him in those Batman movies."

So, in honor of that interaction (which still makes me roar every time I recall it), let's see just exactly how Kristen and Christian stack up when they're going toe-to-toe, head-to-head, Kris. B vs. Chris. B. In the immortal words of Mills Lane, "Let's get it on!"

Monday, January 9, 2012

Your Mom Went to College ... I wonder if she had a job afterwards ...

This is the college I graduated from. Scary, huh? Yes, I lived in a building that is considered to be one of the most haunted places in the United States. In a nutshell, I didn't see or hear sh*t. Personally, I think it's a load of crock, but that's how I feel about all ghost stories ...

Thursday, January 5, 2012

My New Dream Job: Headline Writer for US Weekly

Okay, extremely inappropriate name-calling aside, was it a secret that Russell Brand is kinda nuts?
I thought Katy - and the general population of the world - knew this already. 

Behold! The Majestic Hoff!

TO be confused with the (Hassel)Hoff...

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The Ladies of Justin Timberlake: A History of Questionable Dating Choices

When I walk on by, girls be lookin' like, "Damn, he fly." 

At this point, Justin Timberlake is certifiably B.A. This much we know. The guy has parlayed his breezy charm and multiple talents into a career that's been going strong for about two decades now. He's won six Grammys and four Emmys, sold more than 66 million albums worldwide (with an assist from his old N*Sync comrades), and has a total 10-year box office haul of $812 million from his film appearances. Just for reference, "serious actress" Kate Bosworth has a 10-year total of $483 million.

Justin also helms his own record label, runs a successful clothing line, and owns two restaurants. He's shown a knack for bouncing back from potentially career-ending scandals (remember that little Super Bowl incident with Janet Jackson?). Recently, music legend Elton John personally suggested that JT be the one to play him in an upcoming biopic. Oh yeah, Justin also made this happen ... 

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Is Weight Watchers Curing Cancer Now?

A "healthy" alternative choice to the classic Twinkie.
That is, if you are ignorant enough to consider these ingredients to be "healthy." 

Monday, January 2, 2012

People Magazine: Alexander Skarsgard is Mentally Retarded!

By now I'm sure you all know that this is the real cover to January's People Magazine, right?

Jared Leto to the World: I'm Sexy and I Know It

We headed to the bar, baby. Don't be nervous. No shirt, no shoes, and I still get service.

Jared Leto is a fascinating fellow in the sense that he wants nothing to do with anything that makes him special. He is a talented actor, but he instead chooses to spend the majority of his time fronting a rock band that produces fair-to-middling work at best. Even more baffling than this is the fact that he was born to be a standard for male hotness, but he wants no part of it. Rather than embrace his natural handsomeness, Jared does everything in his power to look as terrible/scary as possible.

Did he not receive the memo about how being insanely good-looking gives you every possible advantage in life?

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Katy Perry + Russell Brand = DIVORCE

I thought they made a very cute couple :(

LeBron James Took Heed of Our Advice

It's okay, LeBron. Sometimes, the truth hurts ... but it's all about what you do with the information.

LeBron James, world-class basketball player/world-class douchebag, featured prominently in our special holiday feature, "The 12 Hates of Christmas" ... in  fact, despite not being named No. 1, he went straight to No. 1 anyway by netting more traffic than any of our other villains. It just goes to show that, without a doubt, he belonged on our role call for the dispensing of vitriol.