Friday, December 16, 2011

The 12 Hates of Christmas: No. 8, John Mayer

 The definitive John Mayer picture: Wasted, covered in lipstick, showing off his asinine tattoo

In the English language, the name of John Mayer has become a phrase that is basically synonymous with the word "douche." The journey to this person's place in history as the general poster boy for doucheitude is a long and storied one full of interview gaffes, terrible music, and an endless parade of heartbroken women who have been dumb enough to date this tool.

Let's begin, shall we?

John has his "try face" on while playing
guitar at some awards show. 
John Mayer is a singer/songwriter/guitarist/douche who got his start playing pop rock, but later started gravitating toward a blues-influenced sound. Despite the fact that he has never released a song that isn't whiny pap aimed directly at the hearts (and pants) of college freshmen (female, of course), he has sold more than 10 million albums in the U.S. and double that amount worldwide. Think about it, that means that about 30 million people in this world have, at som point, made a conscious decision to purchase his music ... rather than hear 27 seconds of it on the radio and immediately turn it off. That is depressing.

Come on, is anyone going to honestly tell me that anything found on Room for Squares, Heavier Things, Continuum, or Battle Studies is worth your hard-earned money? Hey, I understand guilty pleasures and all, but that's what illegal downloading is for. 

Because you see, when you give this guy your money, you are allowing him to maintain a lifestyle that keeps him rolling in the V, and A-list V at that. Not only is he a "sensitive guy with a guitar" that girls seem to fall into bed with anyway, he's one that has a butt-load of money, too. This rich jerk uses his music to convince girls that he's a sweetie pie before he stomps them down with his Dolce and Gabbana ankle boots. Oh, does that sound familiar? Yeah, it's Joe Jonas - the original version. 

Also, this guy can't keep his mouth shut ... about anything. He pretty much invented the Twitter gaffe, and he's given a string of truly bizarre interviews over the years. The most notorious of said interviews was a sit-down with Playboy, in which he played it fast and loose with the racial slurs, said that Jennifer Aniston was past her prime, and made the infamous "sexual napalm" comment about ex-girlfriend Jessica Simpson. I wonder if he would feel that way if he ran into her now.

We hate John Mayer because ...

Does he want to bed her or kill her? And ,
while we're on the subject, is that actually
Jessica Simpson? She looks a lil' different now. 

1. He dated Vanessa Carlton and screwed her over (dumped her for Jennifer Love Hewitt). 

2. He dated Jennifer Love Hewitt and screwed her over (dissed her in a big way during a stand-up comedy routine. Wait? What? John Mayer did stand-up?).
3. He dated Jessica Simpson and screwed her over (made lewd comments about her in a Playboy interview).
4. He dated Jennifer Aniston and screwed her over (made rude comments about her in a Playboy interview).
5. He dated Taylor Swift and screwed her over. (A Jonas crossover - How fun!) Taylor went bat sh!t crazy and penned a horrible song about it in the name of revenge. 
6. He reportedly tried to get up on Miley Cyrus earlier this year. Um, Pedobear much? 
7. Without a doubt, he's a douchebag womanizer, searching for "the Joshua Tree of vaginas" (his words, NOT mine) ... and he's kind of a racist. In that infamous Playboy interview, he compared his d!ck to a white supremacist and dropped the n-word. Hmm ... I think we can scratch the "kind of" part. He IS a racist. 
8. Did I mention that his music sucks? Yeah, his music SUCKS! I mean, REALLY sucks ... it's a journey to the very center of suck. John knows what I'm talking about with this one. He's been there. 
9. And, these days, he apparently thinks he's Johnny Depp. 

WTF, man? REALLY? What ... the ... F$CK!?!?

John, even though you share a first name with the guy, you are NO Johnny Depp, dude! Besides the obvious reasons that you are far inferior, Johnny D. has WAY better tattoos ... and I'm including that "Wino(na) Forever" disaster. 

Behold, the real deal. Ahhh ... now, that's better.
He even looks better holding a guitar than "musician" John Mayer. 

Sources:,, Rolling Stone

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Anonymous said...

I'm not that crazy about Johnny Depp, but He seems like a veritable Prince Charming compared to J.M. (I didn't want to write his
name. Too painful! Way too painful!)

Jan said...

He is such a scumbag.. I want to throw tomatoes at him..

Meredith said...

I wish I could throw something WAY worse than tomatoes at him. Ha!

Anonymous said...

what a tool

Anonymous said...

I hate how he has brag about all the girls he's banged!! What a gross douche!!

Anonymous said...

What I don't get is why any celebrity gal would date this dumb ass. Somebody enlighten me.