Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The 12 Hates of Christmas: No. 4, Old Navy Commercials

Old Navy has long set the bar for bad marketing techniques. Even back in the late 90s, the "cool kitsch" they were going for fell flat ... and straight into asshat territory. Admittedly, my my tolerance for idiocy is not quite where it used to be (In the late 90s, I also wore butterfly clips and plastic jackets, listened to some monumentally bad music and watched TRL every ... single ... day). However, it seems to me that the commercials just keep getting worse and worse. So ...

Let's take a look, shall we?

Old Navy has never been able to do it correctly. Have a gander at this effort from 1998.

Unfortunately, this pap is just the beginning of the downward spiral. Eventually, the powers that be at Old Navy decided that ripping off classic pop songs was a good marketing tool (emphasis on the word "tool"). Check out this "gem" from 2005 that rips off "Our Lips Are Sealed" by the Go Go's and features 12 Hates of Christmas (Dis)Honorable Mention candidate Vanessa Hudgens: 

There's also this one, a rendition of Irene Cara's "Fame," that is so bad that it makes the original song, which is a suckfest, look like a Renaissance masterpiece by comparison. This TV spot is practically the predecessor to Glee and its inexplicable formula for success - take songs that already suck, and make 'em worse by having terrible singers take a crack at 'em.

Then, they decided that defiling pop songs wasn't doing the trick, and moved on to ruining classic rock anthems like Night Ranger's "Sister Christian" ... 

But, nothing has truly upset me quite like this ad that bastardizes dance-floor standard "Wiggle It" by 2 in a Room:

I don't think I've cringed like this since I was forced to watch a UFC match in which someone's arm was broken in half. Literally. I'm seriously embarrassed for these actors, and if I saw either of them on the street, I'd grab the first thing I could get my hands on and throw it straight at their stupid heads. This is Pat Boone-level LAME here people. Will you REALLY do anything for a buck? 

I would consider myself to be a proud and patriotic person, but any time I see one of these commercials, I'm slightly embarrassed to be an American. Damn you for making me think that way, Old Navy. DAMN YOU! 

And, if you agree, then you, too, can join the Facebook page dedicated to the travesty of Old Navy's ads: I Hate Old Navy Commercials

There's no need for a countdown list for this one. The visual aids pretty much tell the tale. Venture forth if you dare. But, you might need to get a cavity filled after viewing these from all the synthetic (ie. fake) sugar coming right at your face. I'd use some mouthwash. A lot of it. 

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Anonymous said...

Now I am left wondering this: what is their name all about? Really! Why are they called Old Navy?

Anonymous said...

I hate their commercials, too! Especially (ta-dah!), the one with awful lyrics to "Sister Christian"! This song is a classic-don't screw it up!

Meredith said...

Agreed. I'll never be able to listen to "Sister Christian" again without thinking of that commercial ... and I love that song. :(