Monday, December 12, 2011

The 12 Hates of Christmas: No. 12, The Kardashian/Jenner Family

Here at Somebody Thinks You're Fat ..., we're all about some good, old-fashioned Christmas cheer. But, the problem is stupid people just keep getting in the way. So, to satisfy our dual interests of bringing glad tidings and talking mad sh!t, we're bringing you "The 12 Hates of Christmas," a countdown naming those who are furthest from our hearts ... for the entertainment of those nearest to them (That would be you, dear readers!). So, don't say we never gave you anything. (In fact, stick with us, and you'll get a VERY nice surprise on Christmas day!) But, for now ...

Let's begin, shall we?

We can credit the end of civilization as we know it to Robert Kardashian, a defense attorney best known for his association with O.J. Simpson, and Kris (Kardashian) Jenner, a waste-of-space socialite. These two were married in June 1978 and had four children before their inevitable divorce. You probably can recite their names in your sleep because you get to hear them so often, but just for posterity, we'll name them: Kourtney, Kim, Khloe and Rob (yes, one kid actually escaped the dreaded '"K"-name Kurse'). 

Kris later took up with former Olympian Bruce Jenner, who is the father of three jackass sons, the most famous of which being Brody Jenner, and a daughter. With the powers combined, Kris and Bruce got married and produced two more kids: Kendall and Kylie. 

Man, have these people ever heard of Trojan?

It's funny how such pretty girls could inspire
me to vomit big burrito chunks. 
The KarTRASHians' absolute takeover of U.S. media began with the release of Kim's sex tape in February 2007. Of course, America being what it is, this helped her career rather than hurt it. Later, in October 2007, Keeping Up With the Kardashians debuted on E! This demon of a show spawned three more E! series featuring the family: Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, Kourtney and Kim Take New York, and Khloe and Lamar. Kim and Rob each have appeared on Dancing With the Stars, and Brody Jenner has been featured in The Princes of Malibu, The Hills and Bromance.

That is a LOT of sh!tty TV, my friends. 

In addition to their television shows, the KarTRASHians have a clothing/purse line at Sears, a string of boutiques called DASH, a line of nail polish, countless endorsements, and more magazine appearances than there are stars in the sky. Of course, more than half these appearances are in tabloids because, let's be real here, this family of f%ck-ups really can't do anything right. 

Gawd, I'm so over this ... and I haven't even made a dent in the vast expanse of information that the Internet has to offer about the Kardashian/Jenner family. But, truth be told, I just don't care enough to look at any more of it. 

We hate the Kardashian/Jenner family because ... 

1. Patriarch Robert Kardashian helped O.J. Simpson get away with murder.
2. We wouldn't know anything further about this family if Kim wasn't such a whore.
3. Despite having no modicum of talent (of any kind), every person in this family has more money in their wallet - at this moment - than you or I will see for the next eight years. I, of course, am not including Lamar Odom in this. He's actually pretty good at basketball.

We know who the big winner in this relationship is.
Or, do we?

4. Between them, they have appeared on eight reality television shows. EIGHT! And, of eight, only one passes for decent entertainment. (Yeah, I love me some Dancing.)

5. You can't pay for groceries without having to stare at their stupid faces on more than half of the magazines in the checkout line. 
6. This is not a new Internet observation, but I'm pretty sure that Kourtney's boyfriend is a serial killer.
7. Thanks to Brody Jenner and his terrible taste in women, they are contributing to Avril Lavigne's continued (*ahem*) "success."
8. Rob came *thisclose* to stealing a Dancing With the Stars victory from inspiring hero, J.R. Martinez.
9. Two words: Kris Jenner
10. The entire essence of this family can be summed up in one word: FAKE!

Sources: E! Online, Wikipedia

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Katie said...

They are the WORST!

Anonymous said...


Jan said...

lol, I love it!

Meredith said...

I had to cut this post by more than 60 percent ... I just wrote so much about the depths of my hatred for these people.

Anonymous said...

It's pretty horrible that people get more famous and richer just for being famous! No wonder Kate of Kate plus Eight asked Kris Jenner for advice! Avarice runs rampant!

Anonymous said...

Khloe actually looks OK in that top photo

Laura said...

Why is it that on interviews, Kris Jenner is always saying that she cries herself to sleep at night. REALLY? And the more I hear Kim speak, the more idiotic she sounds.

Meredith said...

Maybe Kris Jenner "kries" herself to sleep at night because she knows that after she dies, she's gonna have to give Satan a reach-around every day for all eternity.

Anonymous said...

Make it STOP! no more Kardashians, pleeeeeeeease!

Anonymous said...

I never thought I would say that the only one I can even stand is Khloe!