Monday, August 20, 2012

Yeah, I'll just go ahead and start a rap career ...

There are certain things that almost everybody thinks they can do well - fighting, screwing, reading the news, etc. Unfortunately, because this is resoundingly untrue, a lot of people end up getting their asses kicked to kingdom come, spending Saturday nights alone by the phone, and saying things like, "Keep f*cking that chicken," on camera.

Another addition to that list ... rapping. EVERYBODY thinks they can rap, and sure, most people can in the technical sense ... but less than half a percent of the general population can do it in a manner that's worth a damn, and I'm including most of the people who are currently signed to the Young Money label.

However, I recently had the great privilege of watching I'm Still Here, which is Casey Affleck's documentary chronicling Joaquin Phoenix's ... er ... foray into the world of hip-hop. Guys, this is the biggest train wreck that's ever been caught on camera, and while it was entertaining as hell in its own morbid way, the music was ... well ... compli-f*ckin'-cated.

I haven't seen someone struggle this hard to be nice since my last annual employment review.

This got me thinking about other celebrities who have set out on similarly disastrous missions to ignite a career in the art of rapping. It seems like everyone who's ever appeared on a red carpet has tried it at some point. I tell you, when even Ron Jeremy is going into the studio to lay down tracks, you know you have a bonafide epidemic on your hands ... probably a bad case of herpes, too. However, notable celebrity "rappers" include:

Val Chmerkovskiy - Ballroom Dancer/Rapper

He's always been known as "The Other Chmerkovskiy," and that's in circles where people know that name at all. But now, in addition to beginning a third go of it on Dancing With the Stars, Val Chmerkovskiy fancies himself a rapper. A Ukrainian ballroom dancer/violinist who moonlights as a rapper? Yeah, that sounds promising. Listen to his badass tracks, and tell me that this isn't the greatest shit you've heard since Beethoven battle rapped against Justin Bieber.

No contest, Beethoven rocked this one out ... particularly with that last line.

Shaquille O'Neal - Basketball Player/Rapper

More than a few athletes have made the mistake of thinking that they can step up to a mic and proceed to flow like a harpoon daily and nightly, but Shaquille O'Neal is one of the few who have been called on the carpet for thoroughly terrible rapping. Sure, he's put out a platinum rap album (yes, you read that correctly ... platinum) and two more that went gold (yes, you're still reading that correctly), but after he publicly dissed former teammate Kobe Bryant in a vulgar freestyle performance, he lost his special deputy's badge in Maricopa County. On the other hand, that's still not as embarrassing as Kazaam by a long shot.

Anyone else think he kinda looks like Shrek up there?

Brian Austin Green - Mr. Megan Fox/"Actor"/Rapper

If you ask me, Brian Austin Green has approximately two career highlights to date: 1. His stint on the original 90210, and 2. His sensitive portrayal of a young man with nowhere to turn in the crème de la crème of craptacular Lifetime movies, Unwed Father. His rap album was every bit as unfortunate as you would imagine it to be. And, although you would think that this would hurt his game, he is carrying on with his banging of mega-hot chicks to this day. He's married to Megan Fox, guys. MEGAN FOX!

This isn't a video of Brian rapping, but I promise you will not regret watching it ...
unless, of course, you can't handle the dance.

Serena Williams - Tennis Pro/Rapper

When a celebrity makes the (usually terrible) decision to start a hip-hop career, one of the reasons that it tanks is because they feel that it's necessary to start off with the "I'm a rapper now" song - you know, that song that incorporates sloppily-written metaphors about their day jobs and proud assertions of how bad-freakin-ass they are now that they're rapping. Serena Williams's song may be the worst of the worst of songs in this category. Girl, "tennis racquet" and "Gucci glasses" don't rhyme. They just don't.

Well, at least she's not trying to design clothes. Oh wait, she IS trying to do that?
Serena, stop ... just stop.

Mark Wahlberg - Actor/Rapper/Hottie

This is one of the rare cases when the mortifying rap career came BEFORE the respected and enduring career. As we all know, long before he was Mark Wahlberg, Academy Award-nominated actor, this fellow was best known as Marky Mark ... of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. As the historical photographic evidence found on the Internet would have you believe, he was kind of a jackass back then, and his music was certainly nothing to write home about. However, he's always been good at doffing his shirt, and I think we can all agree that he made an excellent decision when he left his hip-hopping behind him to get into the business of being hot ... er ... I mean acting.

Okay, so maybe I still listen to this when I work out sometimes ... don't hate. That's my job.

Perhaps, I'm being unfair to these folks. After all, similarly disastrous output can be had when musicians try to act, or actors try to dance, or anybody who's famous tries to write a book. But, those are other discussions for other times. And, on the bright side, in the face of these hideous embarrassments, these celebrities can still be confident that they haven't hit rock bottom. You know who has hit rock bottom? Kristen Stewart. True, she hasn't tried to start some ill-conceived rap career, but still ... she's a smelly pirate hooker.

I'd wear it with pride ...

So, that's that, and because you've been so patient and good as to make it all the way to the finish line, here's a treat just for you. This is an example of what you should do with your rap aspirations if you're a celebrity ... use them to make a parody video. Beat 'em to the punch, I say:

"I never said I was a role model."

Sources:, The Huffington Post

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