Sunday, November 20, 2011

When did Ashton Kutcher become a Douchebag!?!?

Ashton Kutcher: The New Face Of Douche.

Let's begin, shall we?

Ashton Kutcher began his career participating in a IMTA (Modeling) competition. He placed second, losing to Josh Duhamel. However, his good looks did not go unnoticed, and NEXT modeling agency of New York quickly snatched up, and signed up, his apricot as$!

After having some success in modeling, Ashton moved to LA and auditioned for That 70's Show. There, he played the lovable but brain-dead Michael Kelso. I believe most people would say That 70's Show was Ashton's best work (at least I would).

Ashton being himself, a huge dumba$s!

Unfortunately, despite being nice to look at, Ashton Kutcher is not a very talented actor. He has appeared in some pretty horrible movies, with the possible exception being The Butterfly Effect. I know many people who enjoyed that particular film, including myself. On the other hand, imagine if they had some real acting chops behind the lead character. That movie would have been much more gripping. Props to Ashton for trying, but I think even he knew that drama and suspense was not his forte.

Disappointingly, the abuse from critics and peers did not stop Ashton. He continued to star in horrific movies, including romantic comedies. The worst of these being one he both stared in and produced, Killers. Killers was a horrible movie, not only because of Ashton's horrible acting, but because of his God-awful costar, Katherine Heigl. Augh ... Katherine Heigl, the queen of horrible romantic comedies.

Katherine Heigl looking like an idiot and getting her face bit off by a small dog.

Despite the awful movie choices, I still liked Ashton. He still reminded me of the lovable dumba$s from That 70's Show that he once was. As far as I was concerned, Ashton Kutcher could be in as many horrible movies as he liked.

And then, the bottom fell out ...

Ashton's Descent Into Douchebaggery:

- In May 2011, Kutcher announced that he would be replacing Charlie Sheen on the hit television show Two and a Half Men. His character goes by the name Waldin Schmidt, who is equally as boring as his name sounds. It is well known that Ashton is a terrible replacement for Charlie Sheen. I forgave Ashton for the horrible movies, including the MTV show, Punked. But, the fact that he ruined one of my favorite television shows is unforgiveable. Don't just take my word for it! Check out what other viewers had to say! Reviews from

"I wish I could put it lower on the rating scale. This show has no chance without Charlie. Walden should be killed in a horrible and disfiguring accident then bring Charlie back or watch the ratings go down till the show is cancelled."- Shawn Sharpe

"Bad show now, of course with no redeeming features. I didn't realize how good Charlie Sheen actually is. Big mistake to back the producer. How does CBS make such an error of judgement."- Justine Beattie

- Further on, I am aware that Demi Moore and Bruce Willis divorced in the year 2000. I also know that Ashton and Demi did not start dating until 2003. However, I still feel bitter about Demi and Bruce's divorce. I have always enjoyed seeing Demi and Bruce together. To see Ashton dating Demi, and then marrying her in 2005, was nothing short of annoying. I just hoped that he would not treat her like sh$t.

- On November 17, 2011, Moore released a statement announcing her intention to divorce Kutcher. This was following an incident in September when a story was broken on The Dirty (and every other tabloid), stating that Ashton had slept with a woman by the name of Sara Leal. This startling news pissed off many people. Obviously, Demi is a goddess, and a gorgeous freak of nature.

Like The Man, The Legend: Dr Christian Troy, always said,
"For every beautiful woman, there's a guy that's tired of screwing her."

In Conclusion:
1. He is in horrible movies.
2. He hosted an annoying television show.
3. He dated, married, and cheated on Demi Moore.
4. He ruined a well-known and loved television show.
5. He currently has terrible hair and questionable hygiene.
6. The word "horrible" sums up his entire career and existence.
7. He made me spend hours writing this post.

Ashton Kutcher is a f:cking douchebag!

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Anonymous said...

My question is this: When wasn't Ashton Kutcher a douchbag?

Jan said...

You know, That is basically the conclusion I came to..

Meredith said...

I agree. Just the other day, I joked with Jan that The Kutch became a douchebag on Feb. 7, 1978 ... the day he was born.

Jan said...


Yara Simón said...

Ha. Great post.

Jan said...

Thank you !