Here at Somebody Thinks You're Fat ... we were SHOCKED about the Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher divorce, and by that we mean that we're extremely surprised that it didn't happen three years ago. Ashton "The Kutch" Kutcher has been sliding down the slippery slope of douchebaggery for quite some time now, and we all knew it was inevitable that he would eff this up. (For more on Ashton's doucheitude, see Jan's follow-up to this piece, an in-depth analysis titled "When did Ashton Kutcher become a douchebag?")
Do you think Ashton wore this ridiculous hat when he admitted to banging lots of random whores? I know I'd be more inclined to believe that it wasn't possible. Not in that chapeau.
Now, Demi needs a new man, and the bar is high. For her "third-time's-not-exactly-the-charm" marriage, she linked up with a guy who is 16-years her junior and (at the time considered by many to be) a total hottie. We all know the golden rule of rich cradle-robbers both male and female: The next spouse must be younger, hotter, and a total insult to the previous spouse.
So, with this in mind, our pick for the fourth Mr. Demi Moore is (drumroll please) ...
Don't worry, Demi. Penn owns a lot of stupid hats, too.
Hear us out: This one's a real up-and-comer. He's been on a successful television show for years, and really charmed the pants off of us in Easy A. He's younger than Ashton ... hell, he's almost the same age as Demi's oldest daughter. And, perhaps most importantly, he's hotter than Ashton. Did you hear Jennifer Aniston talk about how she "broke a nail" to The Kutch in her film Horrible Bosses? Of course you didn't, because her character, Julia, proudly proclaimed that she "broke a nail" to Penn Badgley. Get it, girl!
And, as an added bonus, Penn doesn't get on Twitter and defend people who are human shields for child molesters.
This is a great idea, Demi. You should totally hook up with Penn. Get it, girl!
Oh, and by the way, Carolina Ale House is awesome. Just thought I'd point that out.
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