This weekend, you get a special double scoop of movie reviews - one for a good movie and one for a bad movie. That's always subjective to you, though. If you like one, I venture to guess you won't like the other. Presenting ...
Mickey Rourke as King Hyperion
Henry Cavill as Theseus
Frieda Pinto as Phaedra
Stephen Dorff as Stavros
Kellan Lutz as Poseidon
Isabel Lucas as Athena
(If you're noticing a steady decline in acting ability as you read down the cast list, you're not alone, friend.)
SUMMARY: Ahem, well, this movie is about the Greek hero Theseus (Cavill), but it bears little to no resemblance to any of the mythological stories about him. This bastardization of the Theseus story involves our hero joining the fight against the evil King Hyperion (Rourke) after the bloodthirsty ruler murders his mother in front of him. From there, it's a death race to find the Bow of Epirus, which Hyperion plans on using to release the long-imprisoned Titans. It's not exactly stated, but I suppose Hyperion wants to do this because he has a vendetta against the Gods and wants them all to die. Of course, this is ridiculous because the Gods are immortals. By dictionary definition, they are NOT subject to death.
Oh, wait, Immortals has you covered. In THIS movie, the deities can die ... they just have to kill each other. (Spoiler Alert: In a brazen assertion of authority, Zeus brutally murders one of his own sons using a fire whip. WTF?!?) Obviously, humans can't get in on the fun, so that's why Hyperion wants to release the Titans. Of course, in real mythology, Hyperion IS a Titan, not an evil mortal king.
But, if I'm going to get started on mythological inaccuracies, I'm going to be writing a 25-page review, so we'll leave it there. We'll just say that this tale is a myth of the screenwriters' invention.
God, this movie was awful.
Theseus can't think properly when his torso is covered.
THE FINAL VERDICT: Well, I'm not going to sugar-coat it. This movie is the reverent, wannabe little brother of 300, and it looks worse for the wear. It's incoherent, visually dreary, a complete insult to its source material, and in some instances, just gratuitously unpleasant. And it should be noted that I'm not reveling in my cloud of snark. I'm actually upset to say that this movie blows because I truly wanted to like it. No joke. I was excited to see this, and I feel violated.
You see, I'm a huge fan of Greek mythology, and I believe that the subject holds vast ranks of compelling stories to tell. I simply don't understand why, with all the technology that is readily available, Hollywood has such a hard time translating these tales to the big screen in a way that is both entertaining and true to the source. Even when a project manages to land some decent actors, the powers that be take wild liberties with the plot that do the characters no justice (see the raging disappointment that is Troy for another example of this). And the sad thing is, I believe said liberties are taken to ground the story in reality. Um, what? It's a MYTH, it's not reality. Why would you try to go there?
You want reality? Troy sucked. How's that for reality?
My condolences to Eric Bana, who was forced to sport a Trojan mullet.
On the bright side, Henry Cavill and Mickey Rourke both give the kind of valiant performances that are especially noteworthy on a sinking ship of a production ... the kind of acting that people walk away from saying, "Wow, just think what he could have done if he had something decent to work with." Also, Stephen Dorff stuffs his tiny role chock full o' charisma, and Frieda Pinto proves that strikingly beautiful women aren't necessarily vapid ... when her bare ass isn't projected into your face thanks to the magic of 3-D.
It's too bad Isabel Lucas jumps in to provide a compelling counterpoint to Pinto in the Beautiful = Vapid debate. I should have done my research. If I had known she (or Kellan Lutz) were appearing in this movie, I'd have had a better indication of just how shitty it would be. Sorry, Kellan. I like you. You seem like a cool guy, but you do NOT pick good projects.
God, this movie was awful.
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