Here at Somebody Thinks You're Fat, and Everybody Hates You, we like to stick it to celebrities because most of them are overpaid and under-intelligent, so eff them. However, we're not without our flights of fancy ... particularly when it comes to fancy dresses. Yes ma'am, we do love us some fancy dresses. So, in honor of red carpet season, and the upcoming Academy Awards, we have awards of our own to give: The Top Ten Looks to Love from each of us. I don't think I need to explain what a tremendous honor this is. So, without further ado, the winners are ...
(Note: These looks are post-millenium, meaning they date back only as far as 2000 and are being picked by me, Meredith, only. Jan has picks, too, so look for those later!)
No. 10 - Helen Mirren in Vivienne Westwood Couture, 2011
Helen Mirren puts starlets who could be her granddaughters to shame with her consistently excellent red carpet picks. Always the lady, she exudes easy elegance, but one would be hard-pressed to argue against the fact that she looks smokin' in this gunmetal grey number. I would say that I'd be lucky to look half as good when I'm her age, but truth be told, I'd be lucky to look half this good now.
No. 9 - Jennifer Lopez in Valentino, 2003
Tell Satan to break out his long-johns because hell is going into deep-freeze mode tonight. That's right, we're writing something nice about Jennifer Lopez on Somebody Thinks You're Fat ... The truth is, we think this woman is annoying as hell, she seems to be totally full of herself, and she won't accept the fact that she is middle-aged now ... but this gown still looks fresh as a mint mojito. It's classy, structurally interesting, and age-appropriate. Jennifer, a remix, please, because this looks great. Really great, actually.
No. 8 - Kate Blanchett in Valentino, 2005
I have blond hair, and I have always been ADAMANT about the fact that blondes should NOT wear yellow. EVER. Period. However, every rule has an exception, and I think Kate is definitely working the ray of sunshine look here. The dress is a great fit on her, and I love the contrast of the lemon yellow against the dark maroon belt. In fact, as far as Kate's looks go, I'd say this one is sorely underrated ... much like The Gift. Good flick. Even Keanu Reeves woke up long enough to do some acting in that one.
No. 7 - Charlize Theron in Vera Wang, 2000
Although Charlize generally looks awesome in just about anything (barring that infamous giant shoulder bow), she really knocked it out of the park in this appealing orange halter. The front was sleek and streamlined, but the back was as va-va-voom as it gets with a plunging v, strategic ruching and a gorgeous train. Who would have thought that orange could be so brilliant? Hell, Charlize liked the orange so much that she applied the color to her skin when she won the Best Actress Oscar for Monster (2003).
No. 6 - Nicole Kidman in Balenciaga, 2007
I tend to hate on Nicole Kidman's red carpet picks pretty hard ... she makes it easy when she wears dresses that look like couture totem poles. And, even though I still think her famous chartreuse dress is about as overrated as it gets, this red gown is tremendous on her. Not many people can effectively pull off such a slim cut, even fewer can pull off a big bow (ahem, Charlize?). But this is Nicole at her best, standing tall and looking great in a dress more vibrant than the red carpet itself.
No. 5 - Jessica Alba in Versace, 2006
Jessica Alba really has no business appearing at any awards show that celebrates acting, being that she has no clue how to do it. She does know a thing or two about looking foxy, though, and she delivered the goods in this golden gown. Truth be told, photographs don't do this dress justice. I remember when I saw it on television, I was able to set aside my general disdain for her long enough to say, out loud, "Wow. She looks stunning." I then realized that there was nobody else in the room, and that I am an idiot.
No. 4 - Natalie Portman in Rodarte, 2009
Ask any girl for a starlet worthy of a "girl crush," and odds are high that she'll name Natalie Portman as one of her picks. We ladies love Natalie for her classic looks and enviable intelligence, and although she's had a stumble or two, we can generally count on her for knockout gowns at award shows. Best of the best is this cotton candy dream from Rodarte, a longstanding favorite of Ms. Portman's. The gem-studded bodice adds just the right pop to this grecian-inspired gown. Forget Molly Ringwald, Natalie is pretty in pink.
No. 3 - Mila Kunis in Elie Saab, 2011
Lacy, racy and somehow managing the impossible task of making bridesmaid-standard lavender look sexy ... all these things describe Mila Kunis's drop-dead gorgeous Oscar look from last year. Our girl Mila did no wrong on the red carpet last year, from her printed Alexander McQueen to her green Vera Wang. While attending an event that was somewhat ho-hum, she kept heads turning ... even as co-presenter Justin Timberlake "admitted" that he is the secretive artist Banksy. Why won't those two get together, already?
No. 2 - Michelle Williams in Vera Wang, 2006
Michelle Williams used to be a babe. People stare at me blankly when I say that now, because as of late, she is determined to rock a haircut that does nothing for her face shape and frowsy dresses that do nothing for her figure. To that I say, behold the definitive proof of the Michelle Williams of yore: Trendy hair, perfect makeup, and a dress that's feminine, figure-flattering and uncompromisingly bold without being ugly in the slightest. True, it's canary yellow, but it looks so damn good. (Foiled again by blondes in yellow. Dammit!) Michelle, you still have this in your closet? I wouldn't mind seeing it again ... especially over the things she's been wearing these days.
No 1 - Reese Witherspoon in Nina Ricci, 2007
If looking good is the best revenge, then Reese Witherspoon killed it in every way possible with this saucy purple number, especially since it contains many elements that can go horribly, horribly wrong. The gown is a fishtail silhouette ... with tiers ... that have an ombre effect ... Yet, somehow, this all stacked up to be a piece of royal purple genius on a newly-single blond hottie with bangs that launched a thousand spur-of-the-moment fringe snips. Reese stepped out solo to the 2007 Oscars, the year after she'd won Best Actress and sweetly thanked her then-husband Ryan Phillipe in her speech. This is the ultimate look to love, especially since she was effectively showing her douchebag ex everything that he was missing. Well played, Reese Witherspoon. Well played, indeed.