Back in October 2009, a funny thing happened. Kristen Bell was on the cover of Lucky Magazine. A copy of said magazine sat in the lobby of the clinic where Jan and I used to work. And, one day, a mutual friend of ours (who also was a clinic employee at the time) picked up the magazine, took a look at the cover and said, "God, I think Kristen Bell is SO overrated!"
To which one of our male co-workers replied, "You think so? Really? ... Huh. (Shaking head) I loved him in those Batman movies."
So, in honor of that interaction (which still makes me roar every time I recall it), let's see just exactly how Kristen and Christian stack up when they're going toe-to-toe, head-to-head, Kris. B vs. Chris. B. In the immortal words of Mills Lane, "Let's get it on!"
ROUND 1: Stats
Date of Birth: January 30, 1974; age 37
Weight: It depends on the role he's playing, anywhere from 121 pounds (for The Machinist) to 230 (bulk up for Batman Begins)
Hair/Eye Color: Brown/Brown
Relationship Staus: Married to Sibi Blazic (unfortunately)
Date of Birth: July 18, 1980; age 31
Weight: As expected, there is no confirmed number, but I'd estimate about 100 to 110 lbs. (And yet, Somebody Thinks She's Fat)
Hair/Eye Color: Blonde/Blue
Relationship Status: Engaged to "actor" Dax Shepherd (Yes, Kristen DEFINITELY could do better.)
Advantage: Bale. Although Bell has the advantage of youth, and most likely the additional one-up on speed, Bale would obviously f*ckin' kick that f*ckin' @ss in a fight (and, allegedly, wouldn't be scared to even in the face of her gender). Nobody would dare call him fat, because he'd tear them a new one. Plus, he's not engaged to Dax Shephard.
ROUND 2: Career Stats
Highest Grossing Movie: (Duh) The Dark Knight, $533.3 million
Career Box Office Total: $1,458,861,820; Average of $50,305,580
Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer Range: 100 percent (Henry V) to 29 percent (Captain Corelli's Mandolin)
Breakout Role: Bale was toiling in kiddie-role obscurity when Winona Ryder personally chose him to play Laurie to her Jo in Little Women, which was a major career boost. Say what you will about Winona, her whoring and her shoplifting, she gave us Christian ... so, thanks sister!
Biggest Embarrassment: Agreed, Rotten Tomatoes! Without a doubt, it HAS to be the craptastic Captain Corelli's Mandolin. Did you SEE that thing? Yeah, don't ...
Highest Grossing Movie: Surprisingly, it's Couples Retreat, $109.2 million
Career Box Office Total: $291,179,053, Average of $36,397.382
Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer Range: 84 percent (Forgetting Sarah Marshall) to 10 percent (Pulse)
Breakout Role: Kristen's official breakout came on TV when she played the starring role in cult fave series Veronica Mars. However, as the title character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Bell showed showed off commendable comedic chops, holding her own against Jason Siegel and "Crazy Man" Russell Brand.
Biggest Embarrassment: She's had several, but my vote goes to the cinematic abortion that was Burlesque. Seriously, she agreed to play second banana to first-timer Christina Aguilera and her atrocious oversinging? Yes, Kristen DEFINITELY could do better.
Advantage: Bale. Everything is bigger and better. Although, I must say, I was surprised that Kristen didn't get absolutely trounced in the average per-film box office stats. This can be attributed to the fact that Bale likes characters, not sure box office bets ... and it's a damn good thing, because we'd have no Patrick Bateman of American Psycho fame if not for this quirk. I really don't want to imagine what my life would be like minus Christian's naked chainsaw runnin'.
ROUND 3: Accolades and Major Awards
- 2011 - Academy Award, Best Performance By an Actor in a Supporting Role, The Fighter
- 2011 - Critics Choice Award, Best Supporting Actor, The Fighter
- 2011 - Screen Actors Guild Award, Outstanding Performance By an Actor in a Supporting Role, The Fighter
- 2011 - Golden Globe Award, Best Performance By an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture, The Fighter
- 2009 - People's Choice Award, Favorite Cast, Favorite Onscreen Match-up (shared with Heath Ledger), Favorite Superhero, all for The Dark Knight
- 2006 - MTV Movie Award, Best Hero, Batman Begins
Note: There were so many other lower-tier awards that Bale has won, that I gave up the ghost. Boy has seen some serious trophy action. He has a total of 35 award wins.
- 2006 - Saturn Award, Best Actress on Television, Veronica Mars
- 2006 - Austin Fantastic Fest Jury Prize, Best Supporting Actress, Roman
- 2006 - Family Film Award, Favorite Father and Daughter (with Enrico Colantoni), Veronica Mars
- 2006 - PETA Award, World's Sexiest Vegan
- 2006 - Maxim Magazine's "Fall TV's Criminally Sexy Investigators", No. 1
- 2005 - Satellite Award, Outstanding Actress in a Miniseries or a Motion Picture Made for Television, Veronica Mars
Note: She's actually presenting an award in the photo above. I couldn't find a photo of her holding an award that she won. Sorry, girl.
Advantage: Bale. Honestly, this one made me feel kinda mean ... and as you may have seen from my previous work on this blog, I usually don't have a problem with that. However, this contest is one that's VERY one-sided, and Bale really gave Bell a brutal pounding in this round. However, it does look like 2006 was coming up ALL Kristen, so at least she'll always have that.
ROUND 4: Public Relations and Media Gaffes
- In early 2009, an recording is released that contains audio of Christian viciously ripping into a crew member on the set of Terminator Salvation. Bale dropped the ol' F-bomb 36 times in a continuous three-minute rant and was later compelled to apologize profusely for his behavior. However, wrong as his actions may have been at the time, it has provided me with laughs for years.
- Christian was arrested in July of 2008 for an incident in which his mother and sister claimed he assaulted them. He adamantly denied the allegations and after Bale made bail, he was later cleared of any wrongdoing in the incident. Although his reputation took a minor hit, Bale's fans were loyal, even starting a Facebook group called, "I Totally Forgive Christian Bale for Domestic Abuse ..."
- Even though American Psycho is totally, unequivocally awesome, those involved with the project, including Christian, took some pretty serious heat for it when it was released. Roger Ebert even called it "pornography." Um ... has he ever seen real, actual pornography?
- On the bright side, Bale is consistently lauded by his peers and co-workers for his professionalism (yes, even after THAT incident) and total role committment. Rescue Dawn director Werner Herzog said, "I find him one of the greatest talents of his generation." How's THAT for a compliment?
- Bale supports actively supports environmental causes such as Greenpeace and the World Wildlife Fund.
- Juggernaut feminist activist Gloria Steinem is Christian Bale's stepmother. How B.A. is that?
- Kristen became engaged to Dax Shepard in February 2010, prompting people the world over to declare, "WHAT? Why would a woman of this caliber get with a guy who made a career of being Ashton Kutcher's lackey?" What's the assistant of a professional douchebag called? Hmm ... I'll have to think that over and get back to you on it ...
- Bell is a vegetarian, and is constantly earning praise for her choice, including the aforementioned PETA award for being a sexy person who forgoes the practice of eating delicious dead animals. Yes, I said it. DELICIOUS! It's all good. I respect her choice, but I want no part of that lifestyle ...
- While doing volunteer work in Brazil, Kristen helped deliver two babies. Sheesh. If not for Dax Shepard, this chick could probably be canonized as a saint .. at least by Hollywood standards.
- K. Bell is involved with several charity organizations, including Invisible Children Inc. and Do Something's Healthy Living Campaign. She kinda makes me feel like I should do something besides talk sh!t about people as a hobby ... kinda ... just kinda ...
- What can I say? This girl is the anti-Lindsay Lohan. Other than posing for the occasional slutty photo spread, she doesn't do anything wrong.
Advantage: Bell. She comes from behind to take the final round on account of the fact that she has no police record and no major scandals to date. By all accounts, she seems like a humble, pleasant and down-to-earth person ... even going so far as to point out her lazy eye during a television interview. After the beating she took in the previous rounds, it's nice to see her win one.
Winner by unanimous decision: Christian Bale wins in a 3-to-1 victory in four categories. Congratulations. I don't think I need to tell you what an amazing honor this is, but you surely earned it. I don't know exactly where Kristen Bell is ranking as a star these days, but one thing is certain ... She may be a sweetheart, but she is NOT ready to take on Christian Bale. Let's celebrate Chris B.'s dominating win with this classic gem of a YouTube video:
"WHAT DON'T YOU F*CKING UNDERSTAND?!?!" - Christian ... at his flipped-out best
Sources: Rotten Tomatoes, IMBD.com, Box Office Mojo, Google News, eOnline