Blog Of Note: Cats in Sinks

For all cat lovers and cat haters alike, I present to you Cats in Sinks.

Taylor Lautner is "Out and Proud" ... or not ...

So, by now, I'm sure you've heard that this isn't real, right? Some Internet jokester just got lucky and pushed the envelope all the way to viral. We should be so fortunate ... 


Silly rabbits. Everyone should have known this was a fake. The five-year-old sidebar was a sure giveaway (If you'll notice, it contains a picture of Brad Pitt looking hot. We all know that hasn't happened for at LEAST two years now) ... but this cover has an even more revealing error. Every man, woman, and child in America knows that if a celebrity comes out to People magazine, the headline is never something like the "Out and Proud" one pictured above. It's always, ALWAYS: 

The Writers of "Dexter" Clearly Hate Jennifer Carpenter and Want Her to Kill Herself

"Wait? You want me to say WHAT?!? You have to be (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) kidding me! You (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted)!" 

- Jennifer*, speaking about the dialogue of the season six finale of "Dexter"

Dexter has long been a favorite of ours here at Somebody Thinks You're Fat ... We're huge fans of the show. We're huge fans of Michael C. Hall's torso in that "Kill Shirt" that cheeky serial killer Dexter Morgan wears so well. And, even though she's totally fat and disgusting, we're huge fans of Jennifer Carpenter and her f&cking phenomenal foul-mouthed portrayal of Debra Morgan, Dexter's sister. 
Since we love us some J. Carp, I must say that I found the writing of season six to be monumentally disturbing, and not in the way that we Dexter fans would like. I don't know what she did to whom, but seemingly, our girl pissed off someone on the writing staff in a major way ... and now, that person is using the power of the pen to manipulate her character in a way that is surely effing with Jennifer's personal life.
(Note: If you have not yet viewed season six in its entirety, SPOLIERS ahead, so read no further.) 

Merry Christmas! From Somebody Thinks You're Fat, and Everybody Hates You.

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The 12 Hates of Christmas: No. 1, Gwyneth Paltrow

I could not have said it better myself.

The 12 Hates of Christmas: No. 2, Kate Bosworth

There's a fairly obvious comment to be made here, but I won't do it. I'm a lady, after all.

Here at Somebody Thinks You're Fat ... Kate Bosworth has long been considered Public Enemy No. 1. Kate Effing Bosworth ... Just the name is enough to spark a firestorm of fury. Steady readers may remember viewing snippets about her in previous posts, most likely with the words "anorexic scarecrow" attached to her name in some form. You might think we've been a bit hard on ol' Kate. You might be thinking, "Why, oh why, do they passionately hate her? She seems like a sweetheart." Well ...

The 12 Hates of Christmas: No. 3, Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift has been a county/pop singer for the last five years or so. Her album posters have adorned the bedrooms of many teens and adults alike. She has even, sadly and unsuccessfully, tried her hand at acting. Taylor Swift is a millionaire! She pretends like she is a 16-year-old so that people think "she is a prodigy and so mature for her age." Hello, people! Taylor Swift it 22 years old!

The 12 Hates of Christmas: No. 4, Old Navy Commercials

Old Navy has long set the bar for bad marketing techniques. Even back in the late 90s, the "cool kitsch" they were going for fell flat ... and straight into asshat territory. Admittedly, my my tolerance for idiocy is not quite where it used to be (In the late 90s, I also wore butterfly clips and plastic jackets, listened to some monumentally bad music and watched TRL every ... single ... day). However, it seems to me that the commercials just keep getting worse and worse. So ...

The 12 Hates of Christmas: No. 5, Tim Tebow

Most people who know me know that I do not follow sports. However, one cannot avoid the non-stop publicity following Tim Tebow. I consider this man to be the most annoying and self-righteous person on Earth.

Do you really have to ask why you are single?

The 12 Hates of Christmas: No. 6, LeBron James

Lebron thinks he's too sexy for this shirt ... that's why he traded it for one that says "Miami Heat" ... what a douche.

Even if you don't follow professional basketball, you've probably heard about LeBron James. You might have heard someone talking about how talented he is, but in recent years, you've more likely heard of him in the context of someone you know going on an unprovoked, profanity-laced rant about how much they absolutely despise him. Guess what? That person you know isn't crazy. They are 100 percent justified in any hateful rant that is spouted about this douchebag. This guy is an arrogant, self-serving tard who just keeps screwing people over. To quote awesome Web site Deadspin, "Not only is it okay to hate LeBron, but it is a f%cking character flaw on your part if you do not." So ...

The 12 Hates of Christmas: No. 7, Rihanna

Do I really have to explain why we hate Rihanna?

Share The Christmas Cheer!

That beard is FANTASTIC!!! 

The 12 Hates of Christmas: No. 8, John Mayer

 The definitive John Mayer picture: Wasted, covered in lipstick, showing off his asinine tattoo

In the English language, the name of John Mayer has become a phrase that is basically synonymous with the word "douche." The journey to this person's place in history as the general poster boy for doucheitude is a long and storied one full of interview gaffes, terrible music, and an endless parade of heartbroken women who have been dumb enough to date this tool.

Jennifer Aniston is the "Hottest Woman of All Time," I Respectfully Disagree..

It is pretty obvious to everyone that Jennifer Aniston is a stunning beauty. I'm not going to deny that. However, Men's Health Magazine labeling her "The Hottest Woman of All Time," is a gross over-statement.  I have decided that everyone who works at Men's Health Magazine is gay. Unless I am proven wrong, I will stand by my assumption. Why do I think they are all gay?

The 12 Hates of Christmas: No. 9, Jennifer Lopez



Jennifer Lopez has her "try face" on while completing a triathlon.

Jennifer Lopez began her career as a dancer on the television show In Living Color. She then moved to film and got her first leading role in Selena. And as far as we are concerned, she should had stopped while she was ahead. Instead of gracefully leaving the spotlight she continued to prove herself to be the proverbial "jack of all trades-master at none." In the entertainment business, this is NOT a compliment.

Photo of Note: My Cat is Possessed by Demons..

The similarities between my cat, and Jennifer Carpenter, in The Exorcism of Emily Rose is uncanny..

The 12 Hates of Christmas: No. 10, Joe Jonas

The definitive Joe Jonas picture: Failed attempt at "hipster", failed attempt at facial hair ... 

Ladies and gentleman, today I am here to declare that Joe Jonas (you know, that middle Jonas brother who has the unfortunate affinity for wearing tight white pants) is an annoying little douchebag. Of course, if you've listened to anything that Taylor Swift has said in the past three years, you already know this, but how 'bout a closer look?

The 12 Hates of Christmas: No. 11, Katherine Heigl

Katherine Heigl looking hardcore..

Katherine Heigl is an American actress best known for her role in the horrific show Grey's Anatomy. She has also starred in films such as Knocked Up, Zyzzyx Road, 27 Dresses, The Ugly Truth, Killers, and Life As We Know It. All of said films were pretty bad. The one exception being Knocked Up. This is what Katherine Heigl had to say about her one decent film.:

The 12 Hates of Christmas: No. 12, The Kardashian/Jenner Family

Here at Somebody Thinks You're Fat ..., we're all about some good, old-fashioned Christmas cheer. But, the problem is stupid people just keep getting in the way. So, to satisfy our dual interests of bringing glad tidings and talking mad sh!t, we're bringing you "The 12 Hates of Christmas," a countdown naming those who are furthest from our hearts ... for the entertainment of those nearest to them (That would be you, dear readers!). So, don't say we never gave you anything. (In fact, stick with us, and you'll get a VERY nice surprise on Christmas day!) But, for now ...

Are You Serious? The Travel Channel's "Ghost Adventures"

Saturday night television has really hit an all time low. I know I'm suppossed to be out, like a normal person, on a lovely Saturday night such as tonight. But lately, I've come to the conclusion that maybe im just too demanding. Maybe I'm just like my father, too bold. Maybe you're just like my mother, she's never satisfied.

Moving on to the topic at hand, I have been watching a horrible "ghost hunting" show on the Travel Channel. The name of said show is Ghost Adventures. As if the name isn't bad enough, the characters on the show are truly terrible at their jobs. I question if any of them have even graduated High School. They swear and scream and sometimes, I don't even think they know what they are talking about.

WOW! Evil Dead Remake: April 12, 2013!

Anybody who knows me knows that Evil Dead, is one of my favorite movies. Because of this, I spent many drunken nights in college playing the Bruce Campbell Game with my friends. What is the Bruce Campbell Game? The game is easy: Every time Bruce Campbell gets hurt on screen, you drink. Playing this while watching Army of Darkness, ensures that you will be drunk in 15-20 minutes. I highly suggest using beer instead of liquor for your own safety (Do not try this at home).

NEWS FLASH: Blake Lively IS Florence Welch!

"Quick! Somebody bring me my Florence Welch costume!"

I would imagine for a woman like Blake Lively, the world is simply not enough. As I previously mentioned, Leonardo DiCaprio just won't do. She has to have Ryan Reynolds, too. One pair of Louboutins will not suffice. She'll settle for no fewer than 40. (That's right. 40.) Forget having a closet full of Chanel ... she has to be the face of the entire effing brand or she just can't sleep at night!

Paul McDonald: A legend in the making

The legend in his natural element

Jonah Hill is Hot?

Jonah Deserves a "slow clap" for his achievements ... Start ... NOW!

Alec Baldwin is Kicked Off Plane: He Just Loves "Words With Friends."

"I will just catch the next flight ..."

For the Classic Movie Buffs: Vera-Ellen is rather pudgy.

Every year around the holidays, I really go heavy on the Christmas entertainment. I own all the major movies/TV specials, and I pretty much play them relentlessly until midnight on Dec. 25. One film is particularly near and dear to my heart, and the season just isn't the same unless I watch it at least seven to 15 times. That movie, is the sugary sweetness that is White Christmas, starring Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, and Rosemary Clooney (George's Auntie). If you haven't seen it, you must. It's guaranteed to melt the coldest of hearts.

Miss USA Rima Fakih Arrested For DRUNK DRIVING!

"I'm just going to turn up the heat and play some elevator music while I drive home."

According to Michigan police, Rima was, and I quote, "HAMMERED" when she was pulled over after a long night of heavy boozing that surely included some STD exchanges.

Bradley Cooper is the Sexiest Man Alive: I respectfully disagree..

Bradley Cooper, looking pretty cute on his Honda.

A Brief(less) History of the Celebrity Sex Tape Scandal (Possibly NSFW)

As a preface, I'd like to point out that this post is probably not okay for you to read at work. There are no explicit details or images, but your boss probably won't appreciate you exploring your interest in this subject while you're on the clock. So, as a label: NSFW, people! Without further ado ...

Supernatural's Castiel: One Sexy Servant of God!

"Today you're *my* little bitch."- Castiel speaking to the Archangel, Raphael.

Guilty as charged! I watched season six of Supernatural, for the second time. Unfortunately, I have not had the pleasure of viewing season seven. This is very sad (I am a huge dork!). I do know one thing: Castiel is one sexy angel! Don't know who Cas is? Let's summarize the character for you.

Bad Songs, Worse Songs, and the Pussycat Dolls

Last night, I was feeling kinda saucy ... so I decided to bust out "Just Dance 2" on the Nintendo Wii and shake what my momma gave me. I opted for the Non-Stop Shuffle option, where the game chooses the songs for you, but I was sorely disappointed in their first choice for me:

Another Reason to Hate Your Neighbor ...

While driving home from the airport this weekend, I stumbled upon this amazing sight:

WTF?

YES, my friends, that is an alien spacecraft on top of someone's roof. I originally saw only the one spacecraft while driving past the house. I did not take a photo, but I really wished I had. Later, after speaking with Meredith about my "Close Encounter of the 3rd Kind," she suggested that I write a blog post about my experience.

An Open Plea to the Public: Enough With the Brad/Jen Crap, Please!

Perhaps you've heard that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston used to be married. You may have also heard that Brad fell in love with Angelina Jolie while the two were filming Mr. and Mrs. Smith in 2004-05. Subsequently, he divorced Jennifer and quietly took up with Angelina, with whom he started a large family as the result of multiple adoptions and three biological children. Oh gosh, did you hear?

Yeah, of course you did. None of the tabloids have been able to shut up about it for the past six years. That's right. SIX years.

Jessica Simpson is Healthy and Looks Great! I Respectfully Disagree.

Wow..
According to tabloids, Jessica Simpson's doctor is very concerned with her health. Jessica is convinced that since she is pregnant, she can eat an unlimited amount of all her favorite snacks and treats. Read more on Jessica's new eating habits.

Happy Thanksgiving! From, Somebody Thinks You're Fat, and Everybody Hates You!

What are YOU thankful for?

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Carson Kressley ... Oh, Hell Yes!

Earlier in the month, I admitted my addiction to Dancing With the Stars in the tone of one who realizes that they have a serious problem and need help. Luckily for me (and you), the show is done for the season, which means that you won't have to see any more DWTS-themed posts ... at least until the Spring.

I have a girl crush on Mila Kunis. A big one.

When perusing Jan's fantastic analysis of The Kutch and his ongoing battle with douchebaggery, the photo of him with his That 70s Show co-star Mila Kunis reminded me of something: I friggin' LOVE Mila Kunis.

Christina Aguilera, please fire your stylist.

Christina Aguilera appeared on the American Music Awards over the weekend looking like this abomination:




"I've got a secret for you!"
The dress, the hair, the make-up, seriously?

When did Ashton Kutcher become a Douchebag!?!?

Ashton Kutcher: The New Face Of Douche.


Let's begin, shall we?

Ashton Kutcher began his career participating in a IMTA (Modeling) competition. He placed second, losing to Josh Duhamel. However, his good looks did not go unnoticed, and NEXT modeling agency of New York quickly snatched up, and signed up, his apricot as$!

We've picked a new husband for Demi Moore!

Here at Somebody Thinks You're Fat ... we were SHOCKED about the Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher divorce, and by that we mean that we're extremely surprised that it didn't happen three years ago. Ashton "The Kutch" Kutcher has been sliding down the slippery slope of douchebaggery for quite some time now, and we all knew it was inevitable that he would eff this up. (For more on Ashton's doucheitude, see Jan's follow-up to this piece, an in-depth analysis titled "When did Ashton Kutcher become a douchebag?")

Do you think Ashton wore this ridiculous hat when he admitted to banging lots of random whores? I know I'd be more inclined to believe that it wasn't possible. Not in that chapeau.

Robert Pattinson: Oral Cesarean? !Spoiler Alert!

With the opening of Breaking Dawn, I figured I would do a post dedicated to the Twilight Saga.






Two years ago, I read all the books in the Twilight series. Yep, every damn one of them. You might be interested to know that the brain power required to read these books is equal or less then the brain power required to watch a Tyler Perry movie. It's science.

Miley Cyrus really understands what we're talking about here

V for Vendetta ...

Everybody talks sh$t about everyone, and that's why ragging on celebrities used to be the most therapeutic form of said expression. Angelina Jolie would never know that you and Sherri from the office think that her last Golden Globes dress was a disaster ... and if she did, she wouldn't care anyway. She's Angelina Jolie. She doesn't work in a boring office.

Blog of Note: Some Ugly Baby.com

While searching the Internet, I stumbled upon this little gift to humanity! Some Ugly Baby

Hilary Duff: Facial Evolution

I remember when Hilary Duff became famous. I also remember when Lindsay Lohan made fun of her (probably as an offshoot over that whole "No, Aaron Carter is MY man" thing). Man, was Hilary "butt hurt." It seems like every time I see Hilary Duff, her face is different. We explore this phenomenon today.

Exhibit A: Untouched Flesh





Please note the round face and chin, and take a look at those teeth.

Justin Timberlake is patriotic, awesome

Everybody and their mom is lining up to talk about how cool Justin Timberlake is because he made good on his promise to escort Cpl. Kelsey De Santis to the Marine Corps Ball in Richmond, Virginia. We realize we're a little tardy to the party, but that doesn't mean that we at Somebody Thinks You're Fat ... don't believe that Justin deserves the big accolades he's getting. Quite the opposite. We think he deserves MORE!

The Man, The Legend: Dr. Christian Troy

I never watched Nip Tuck when it was first airing on TV. I just never got into it. However, I recently spent about 3 months watching the entire series. Back-to-back episodes, every night. Naturally, I was addicted. One particular episode, season three, episode 11: Abby Mays, changed my life ... and pretty much captured the essence of Christian Troy more accurately than any other stand alone example.

Immortals: Expert Movie Review by Meredith

This weekend, you get a special double scoop of movie reviews - one for a good movie and one for a bad movie. That's always subjective to you, though. If you like one, I venture to guess you won't like the other. Presenting ...

ALYCE: Expert Movie Review by Jan

 

Some of the cast:

Writer/Directer: Jay Lee (Remember Zombie Strippers?)

Adam Levine Seems Like Less of a Tool These Days

Maroon 5 hit the big time when I was in college, and like every other girl on campus, I owned "Songs About Jane" and thought Adam Levine was totally dreamy.

Walmart: Your One-Stop Shop For Groceries and Pelvic Exams.

Viewing: Typical Walmart shopper in it's natural habitat.
"I've got your Super Center right here!"

Somebody realized my "Fight Club" fantasy brawl

Remember the scene in Fight Club when Brad Pitt and Edward Norton are discussing which celebrity they'd fight if given the chance? Pitt's character, the immortal Tyler Durden, picks Hemingway, and Norton's character responds with what is arguably the greatest line in a film chock full o' great lines:

Tyler Perry made a deal with the Devil!

I have seen my fair share of Tyler Perry movies. I am ashamed to say it, but, I think I may have seen every Medea movie. How did I manage to sit through all of these movies? Well, I think any person who has ever seen a Tyler Perry film could answer this question. It is because, quite simply, each of his movies is a f$cking train wreck. This man has no concept of "storytelling." Every movie that Tyler Perry has done is absolutely horrific. They all have the same plot: A weak woman who has been victimized searches for a good man to bring her back to her former glory. Meanwhile, a whole bunch of random, crazy drama unfolds in the background.

Nancy Grace is ... um ... hot and sexy. Wait ... what?

Hi. My name is Meredith, and I watch Dancing With the Stars. (Crowd answers with: "Hi, Meredith.") It started about four years ago, when I found myself in a situation where I had no cable television, and ABC was the only channel that would come through on my pre-digital programming antenna.

What in the hell happened to Orlando Bloom?

I'd like to begin today by taking a stroll down memory lane ... all the way back to a magical time known as Christmas 2001. It was a time when a much-hyped movie based on an exceedingly popular fantasy book trilogy was hitting theaters. It was a time when my literature-loving family insisted I accompany them to the theater in the name of togetherness. And, as you may have guessed, it was a time when I wasn't getting any play whatsoever in the dating department. The movie was Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings.

NEWS FLASH: Alexander Skarsgard is Mentally Retarded

At Somebody Thinks You're Fat, and Everybody Hates You, we firmly believe in one truth. If we ruled the world, Alexander Skarsgard would be cloned. His clones would then be assigned to each and every female on this green earth. Ladies, you would be able to come home and find your very own Skarsgard chained up in your basement, just waiting for your arrival.

Blake Lively thinks geriatric hookers are cool

I am not a fan of Blake Lively.

Hawaii Five-O's Steve McGarrett, is MY HERO!

Steve McGarrett is played by Alex O'Loughlin on the hit reboot of the hit show Hawaii Five-O. Steve is the leader of the namesake squad, a Hawaiian State Police unit that is empowered to act on all seven Hawaiian islands. Suffice it to say, Steve is awesome.

Steve's hard at work, ruining someone's vacation.
"‘Book ‘em, Danno.’